{"id":1211,"date":"2006-11-17T19:51:53","date_gmt":"2006-11-18T00:51:53","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/chimeraobscura.com\/vm\/?p=1211"},"modified":"2007-08-26T07:41:13","modified_gmt":"2007-08-26T12:41:13","slug":"breakfast-of-regular-season-champions","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/chimeraobscura.com\/vm\/breakfast-of-regular-season-champions","title":{"rendered":"Breakfast of Regular Season Champions"},"content":{"rendered":"

I’m a man of routines. Once I hit upon a good way to do things, I stick with it. When I was on Atkins, it was no problem for me to consume 3 scrambled eggs, a spicy Thai chicken sausage, a banana, water and black coffee, every single morning. Every single goddamn morning. This practice worked out just fine, until my cholesterol started to blow up.<\/p>\n

So I changed things up. Now it’s a bowl of Wheaties with some chopped dates, 1% organic milk, and the aforementioned banana, water and black coffee. It works, and I stick with it almost without fail.<\/p>\n

But now there’s a problem. See, when you buy a box of Wheaties, you’re not just buying cereal; you’re buying The Breakfast of Champions<\/a>. And sometimes General Mills’ idea of champion isn’t the same as mine.<\/p>\n

After the Yankees got wrecked in the first round of the playoffs, Amy & I decided that we just couldn’t buy Wheaties with Alex “reigning AL MVP” Rodriguez<\/a> on the box. It was too insulting, to see that grim demeanor and that looping swing, knowing that he’d been shown up on baseball’s biggest stage as a punk-ass bitch.<\/p>\n

For a while, we were able to make do with leftover Shaq & Wade NBA championship boxes. When they ran out, we even started getting the smaller-sized box (Steve Nash), but my persistent case of cheap Jew stereotypism keeps me from buying the less economical size.<\/p>\n

The situation is growing dire. The cereal aisle is filled with box upon box of home-run-swinging A-Rod, mocking us with his failure to deliver a timely hit in a big game. Will a new MVP never be crowned?<\/p>\n

I fear that if I have to resort to that cereal, I will become like him. Perhaps I’ll write many pages of great editorial in the lesser issues of my magazine, but come October’s AAPS special, or come the July\/August Top Companies issue, I’ll wilt.<\/p>\n

The risk is too great. Maybe I can get by with BooBerry<\/a> or the Cap’n<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Will there never be another Olympics?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I’m a man of routines. Once I hit upon a good way to do things, I stick with it. When I was on Atkins, it was no problem for me to consume 3 scrambled eggs, a spicy Thai chicken sausage, a banana, water and black coffee, every single morning. Every single goddamn morning. This practice … <\/p>\n

Continue reading “Breakfast of Regular Season Champions”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[55,3],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1211","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-adventures-in-wheaties","category-suburbs"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p4C7K-jx","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":1274,"url":"http:\/\/chimeraobscura.com\/vm\/cereal-killer","url_meta":{"origin":1211,"position":0},"title":"Cereal Killer","author":"Gil","date":"January 4, 2007","format":false,"excerpt":"Back in November, I wrote about how I've boycotted the large-sized box of Wheaties at our local supermarkets because Alex Rodriguez is the featured athlete. At least I could get by with the 12-oz. box, since I had got no beef with Steve Nash. It just got worse. I hit\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Adventures in Wheaties"","block_context":{"text":"Adventures in Wheaties","link":"http:\/\/chimeraobscura.com\/vm\/category\/adventures-in-wheaties"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":1641,"url":"http:\/\/chimeraobscura.com\/vm\/will-rogaine-put-cal-ripken-on-its-packaging","url_meta":{"origin":1211,"position":1},"title":"Will Rogaine put Cal Ripken on its packaging?","author":"Gil","date":"August 26, 2007","format":false,"excerpt":"When a theme crops up for the third time on this blog, it's time for me to create a new category for it. In that spirit, I now offer up \"Adventures in Wheaties,\" which is a perfect compliment to my \"Adventures in Gin\" category. I'll use this category to chronicle\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Adventures in Wheaties"","block_context":{"text":"Adventures in Wheaties","link":"http:\/\/chimeraobscura.com\/vm\/category\/adventures-in-wheaties"},"img":{"alt_text":"Skinny runner Hunter Kemper","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/chimeraobscura.com\/vm\/images\/kemperbox.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":4438,"url":"http:\/\/chimeraobscura.com\/vm\/what-it-is-9709","url_meta":{"origin":1211,"position":2},"title":"What It Is: 9\/7\/09","author":"Gil","date":"September 7, 2009","format":false,"excerpt":"What I'm reading: I left off on Moby Dick for a little while. I picked up Tom Stoppard's play Arcadia, which I'd meant to write about during the summer. That was derailed by Rufus' ordeal, so I'm hoping to get back to it this fall. I also read R. Sikoryak's\u2026","rel":"","context":"In \"Gilbert Gottfried\"","block_context":{"text":"Gilbert Gottfried","link":"http:\/\/chimeraobscura.com\/vm\/tag\/gilbert-gottfried"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"http:\/\/www.assoc-amazon.com\/e\/ir?t=virtualmemories-20&l=as2&o=1&a=0199535728","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":1224,"url":"http:\/\/chimeraobscura.com\/vm\/black-coffee-in-bed","url_meta":{"origin":1211,"position":3},"title":"Black Coffee in Bed","author":"Gil","date":"November 29, 2006","format":false,"excerpt":"Jane Galt has written about plenty of important topics these last few years, but none as important as Best Practices for Coffeemaking. It's a subject near and dear to my heart, especially since I recently moved back to paper filters after two years using a gold filter. We recently bought\u2026","rel":"","context":"With 2 comments","block_context":{"text":"With 2 comments","link":"http:\/\/chimeraobscura.com\/vm\/black-coffee-in-bed#comments"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":428,"url":"http:\/\/chimeraobscura.com\/vm\/oh-god-do-proust-faster-faster","url_meta":{"origin":1211,"position":4},"title":"Oh, God! Do Proust! Faster! Faster!","author":"Gil","date":"December 11, 2004","format":false,"excerpt":"Just back from the Red Light District. I do sorta understand where that Moroccan guy was coming from. Problem is, if you have that bad an issue with sexuality and loose morals, what the heck are you doing living in Amsterdam?Honestly, I've never witnessed anything like it.In addition to the\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Amsterdam"","block_context":{"text":"Amsterdam","link":"http:\/\/chimeraobscura.com\/vm\/category\/travel\/amsterdam"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":1848,"url":"http:\/\/chimeraobscura.com\/vm\/coffee-break","url_meta":{"origin":1211,"position":5},"title":"Coffee break","author":"Gil","date":"January 10, 2008","format":false,"excerpt":"There were two significant (and probably related) coffee announcements this week: McDonald's plans to add coffee bars to its stores, and Starbucks founder and chairman Howard Schultz has taken back his CEO role. I don't have a horse in this race, since I prefer Dunkin Donuts' coffee (unless there's a\u2026","rel":"","context":"Similar post","block_context":{"text":"Similar post","link":""},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]}],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/chimeraobscura.com\/vm\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1211","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/chimeraobscura.com\/vm\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/chimeraobscura.com\/vm\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/chimeraobscura.com\/vm\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/chimeraobscura.com\/vm\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1211"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/chimeraobscura.com\/vm\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1211\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/chimeraobscura.com\/vm\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1211"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/chimeraobscura.com\/vm\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1211"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/chimeraobscura.com\/vm\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1211"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}