by Tom Spurgeon
Phoenix Suns
That sound you hear from America’s greatest city without actual city stuff is either Amare Stoudamire’s knee ligaments grinding during rehab or the sound of men all over America scrambling across the room to change their Direct TV pre-sets to some other team to watch as an ongoing back-up. In the kind of move that epitomizes the NBA today, the Suns responded to their failure to go over in the 2005 Western Conference Finals by dropping a lot of what worked about their team and adding parts that have a 50/50 chance of acting like so much corn syrup in the gas tank. Did no one other than San Antonio pay attention to the great NBA teams of the 1980s through mid-1990s, where teams stood pat and added maybe one Mychal Thompson per year, one James Edwards and then only in a reserve or supporting role? Suns point guard Randolph Mantooth will build on his largely undeserved Best Actor Emmy from last year and Phoenix will continue to be a great place to golf.
Projected Record: 81-1
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Sacramento Kings
Does anyone out there think that Peja Stoyakovich still misses Hedo Turkoglu? Not on the court — no one misses Hedo on-court, especially as he grows a half-inch every year — as much in the clubs, hitting on women together in tight jeans and unbuttoned shirts. I imagine Peja trying to bond with other teammates, shivering in a fishing boat underneath a purple hat somewhere with Brad Miller, going to Vegas and screening female interns on a reality show with the Maloof Brothers, or going to mosque with Shareef Abdur-Rahim before realizing that things would never be the same again.
I think this Sacramento team would have won a lot more games than most current squads were Kang the Time Lord to assume ownership up and make them play in previous eras; at the same time, I can’t see this team getting past the first round of the layoffs. I have no idea what that means, but I can totally see the matching up well against the New York Rens. Speaking of match-ups, I look at their roster changes of the last year or so and I swear they’re trying to find way to match-up with the Portland Trailblazers rather than team that make the playoffs.
I wish I had Rick Adelman’s job security, and I’m self-employed.
Projected Record: 42-42
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LA Clippers
Wouldn’t the Clippers be a good match for their previous home San Diego, and not just because of the name? How did this not work out the first time? People like visiting San Diego; I bet the Clippers would get more press coverage if they were to move. They could host their own all-star game. They could have celebrity-free crowds, even minor-celebrity-free — the San Diego audience would be like a better-dressed Dallas, or a slightly less obese Sacramento. A pleasant team with a second-rate history, the Clippers would fit San Diego’s personality far better than cruel, snotty Los Angeles. No one would make fun of Elgin Baylor’s strange 1982 haircut, or Elton Brand’s Unseld-lite style of play, or take bets on how soon they ruin their latest 17-year-old point guard prospect.
Wouldn’t a move to San Diego give me something to write about?
Projected Record: 28-54
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Golden State Warriors
My suspicion is that the Warriors will be this year’s false-hope team, by which I mean you should withdraw your attention from the team and start paying attention to the fans, just for that sweet, delicious moment when they’re let down one more time. Despite winning a bunch of games at the ass-end of 2004 that only mattered to three drunk guys sitting in the Terrible’s Casino sportsbook, nothing about the way they play ball really signifies anything more than potential for future junk wins. Those kinds of opportunities just aren’t on the menu for a full 82-game season.
Two notes on the roster. First, we should all pause and celebrate the largely undistinguished career of Calbert Cheaney, who came into the league as a Big Ten first-teamer but has survived roster to roster like an NAIA scoring runner-up. Second, everyone should reorient their start page right now to Adonal Foyle’s web site, a rarely updated but always amusing stab at declaring oneself the Smartest NBA Player, just without the John Ameche overtones. It’s the perfect on-line destination for those of us who have always wondered how the all-time Warriors shot-blocker felt about the latest dispersal of funds in Iraq.
Projected Record: 28-54
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LA Lakers
When it comes right down to it, I have about as much interest in Kobe Bryant and Phil Jackson as I have in any other hot media couple from the mid- to late-1990s. That would be none then; if possible, less now. Shaq and Kobe was the sexier pairing anyway; Phil and Kobe is like that unfortunate hook-up between leftover stars on the late seasons of a primetime drama, the one that makes old fans say, “I’m glad I don’t watch that anymore.”
In other news, Scottie Pippen has been brought on board to teach Lamar Odom how to be Scottie Pippen to Bryant’s Michael Jordan. One imagines a master and grasshopper relationship where Odom is forced to speak three octaves lower, trade insults with Charles Barkley, and stay on the bench during the last few seconds of playoff games. Oh, I’m kidding; Pippen was a great, great player nearly every second he allowed the coach to keep him in the game and Odom has only the cautionary high-living-as-a-young-player story of a great player. Still, it makes you wonder when the modeling stops. Did Jackson bring in Dave Debusschere to teach Horace Grant how to shoot 12-footers? I don’t recall, but I’m guessing “no.”
With Kwame Brown as Bison Dele.
Projected Record: 4-78