Self-Aggrandizement Thursday

Just got back from the BIO show last night, but I’m swamped with work. I’ll try to write about the event during the weekend. Meanwhile, it’s Self-Aggrandizement Thursday here at the palatial Virtual Memories estates.

In honor of the last game of the NBA Finals, I figure I’ll share a story with you from last year’s Finals. This happened last June, the night of what would turn out to be the last game, when Detroit completed its stunning 5-game upset of the Lakers. This year we have a game 7, so this’ll be the last night of pro hoops for a while.

Here’s what happened last year: I went out after work, did some shopping, and got home about 15 minutes before the game started. I settled into my comfy leather chair and got ready for the game.

At which point, a blackout hit my section of town.

I waited a couple of minutes, then went out to see how bad it was. It turned out not to have hit houses about 100 feet away, but there was a significant stretch of town that was blacked out, here in my little suburban, wooded enclave (the aforementioned palatial VM estates).

So I drove around, picked up a Cherry Coke at a convenience store in the next town over, and listened to the game on the radio for a while.

I decided to drive out to my dad’s place and watch the game there. He lives about 12 miles from my house, and his electricity was working fine.

It was pretty stuffy/stanky around here, mid-80s and humid all day, with a big rainstorm impending. On the way to the main road outta town, I saw a guy walking pretty forlornly, with a rolling/carry-on suitcase and a shoulder bag. I figured he was heading down to the bus stop on Skyline Drive, about half a mile away, for the bus to NYC. I didn’t want him to get caught in the rain, so I stopped and asked him if he needed a ride.

He hurried up to my passenger window, peered in and excitedly asked, “Spreichen sie deutsch?”

No, really.

I stared at him for a second. He was wearing a button-down shirt, but it was soaked with sweat. I thought, “This guy’s been walking a while. There’s no power, so there’s no one in the central shopping area of town, where he might otherwise find people who can help him out. And that big rain’s gonna hit soon.”

Here’s what I believe: if you’re in a position to help someone and you choose not to, then you’re a bad person.

So I opened the passenger door and said, “Get in.” He put his little suitcase in the back, and we drove.

He could barely speak English. I was able to figure out that he was Polish, not German. He must’ve figured there was a better chance of finding a German-speaker than a Pole. I wasn’t either, but I’m pretty good with etymologies, so we worked at it.

As far as I could tell, he had some sort of job waiting in NYC, but that didn’t explain why he was in my town, trudging down the street in the evening. It’s a small town.

I figured I’d take him to the train station a few towns over, and then he could get the train to Hoboken, go on to NYC, and get to his job.

But then, as we started driving over the mountain out of town, I thought, “Well, shit: This guy’s not going to find anyone in that town who can tell him where to go, and he’s much more likely to get pinched by the cops there.”

Okay, I decided: I’ll drive him to NYC. A few minutes later, I called my buddy Rene, who’s German, and put my passenger on the phone with him.

My passenger must’ve talked for at least three straight minutes, without seeming to pause for my friend to say anything. I think he was REALLY happy to have someone he could vent to.

He gave the phone back to me, and Rene explained the situation: Janusz, my passenger, had been in my town for a month or so, doing renovation on some guy’s house. That day, the guy refused to pay him, and kicked him out.

He’d been walking a while when I found him (and he was pretty sweaty and stanky). He had a friend in Forest Hills (but didn’t have the guy’s phone number), so if I could just get him to a bus or train, he’d be able to get out there to him. I was a little dubious, because I can’t find my way around Queens with a map, but hey.

We drove to NYC. Near the George Washington Bridge, I stopped at a gas station so I could hit an ATM and get some cash, since I was down to $5. Janusz got out of the car and started walking around. He thought we were in New York, but I convinced him that we weren’t there yet. “You’ll know when we get there,” I said.

A few minutes later, we reached the bridge, and he knew. “THAT,” I said, pointing to the city lights.

“NEW YORK!” he said.

We drove down the West Side Highway, then turned off by the Intrepid on 46th St. We got down to the Port Authority, where we sat in some traffic. We talked, in our limited manner. He asked about cars and engines, figured out that I had the basketball game on the radio.

A block away from the Port Authority, we were behind a cab, backed up at a traffic light. A rear door opened, and a woman of, um, ill-repute got out.

“Janusz,” I said, pointing at the girl, and speaking in a weird, east European accent, rolling my Rs, sharpening my Ts, “you know: prostitute?”

“Ya, ya!” he cried. “Prostitute! Like in bordello!”

We laughed. The light changed. Around the corner, I showed him where the PA information booth was, figuring he’d find SOMEONE who could speak Polish, German, or Slovakian (the other language he tried out on me).

I tried to give him $20 (my real reason for stopping at that ATM earlier), because I wasn’t sure how badly he’d been screwed by his employer. He refused to take any cash from me.

I watched him go inside, then headed home. I got back with about 6 minutes left in the fourth quarter. The electricity had been restored.

Actually, when Janusz and I were leaving town, I looked in my rearview mirror and saw the lights coming on in the parking lot behind me. I thought, “Sonofabitch . . .”

I got back to my comfy leather chair. Detroit beat LA, people celebrated, and I haven’t heard anything about Janusz since. The chair got moved downstairs. I have a sofa and loveseat up here now.

The next morning, I said to the official VM girlfriend, “There are people in this world who think I’m a bad man. Other people think I’m alright. There’s now a day laborer from Poland who thinks I’m delivered from God, even if he has no idea what my name is.”

A long-ish story, I admit. I didn’t make a Virtual Memory out of it when it happened, because I prefer to be self-deprecating. But I like being able to do beautiful things for people, so hey.

Spurs in 7.

All things considered, I’d rather be in Philadelphia

I’m off to the BIO conference down in Phila., PA. We likely won’t have as many protesters as last year’s BIO, which was in San Fran; you’d figure anyone dressing up as a giant monarch butterfly is likely to get his ass handed to him on these streets . . .

(For those of you who are wondering about those Pharma/Biopharma profiles I’m working on, it’s kinda depressing so far. A lot of companies are facing a ton of problems, starting with the #1 guys. Here’s last year’s online version, which oughtta keep you entertained while I’m away.)

Pants-Down Work Day!

Working at home today, writing up profiles of the top 20 pharma and top 10 biopharma companies, for our annual Top Companies issue. It’s a ton of research and writing, so I figured, “Why wear pants? Why not cocoon myself here at home and get writin’?”

Depending on your level of curiosity, it can be a pretty entertaining project. Especially when you have to write about Merck.

Women are from Venus, Islamofascists are from Mars?

Evidently, Steven Spielberg believes that his new War of the Worlds flick reflects post-9/11 angst, instead of just being a summertime special effects monstrosity.

I think the movie poster shows that we have plenty in common with these aliens: we both like bowling.

Meanwhile, this makes me laugh more than the other foreign-language posters. Not sure why. Probably because it reminds me of the “Jews In Space” piece from the end of History of the World, Part I:

The Devil’s Marinade

It was a wedding-plan weekend, dear reader, interspersed with some other entertainments. On Saturday, the official VM fiancee visited a Nicole Miller boutique and fell in love with a gown. At the same time, her parents were testing out the food at the venue where we’re planning to get hitched, down in New Orleans (they’re locals). Today, we bought a stone for The Ring, at a little jeweler in the East Village. (No hyperlinks for any of these places till they’ve done their jobs and I can guarantee their link-worthiness.)

In-between? We risked our very lives. And I’m not talking about today’s return-trip to New York during the Puerto Rico Day Parade.

Very rarely, I’ll find myself struck with a peculiar notion that supersedes every other priority. Saturday afternoon, for example, I noticed a remaindered-book warehouse-store, and it instantly became imperative to stop in. Why? I can’t really explain it. My library is over a thousand volumes at this point, and I’m still immersed in Proust’s In Search of Lost Time, which keeps me from opening any other book.

Still, we do as needs must, when the devil drives. Forty-five minutes later, I left with an armload of books, accompanied by a fiancee who has smaller arms and hence a smaller load of books.

Perhaps it’s a mood that makes me susceptible to these uncompromisable whims. I like to think I’ve been much more compromising and flexible in recent years, but how then to explain the mania that grabbed me later that evening? What possessed me, as we were doing our food-shopping Saturday evening, to grab this grotesquerie? To be fair, at the moment I picked up the Jack Daniel’s Mesquite EZ Marinader bag, I turned to my One True Love and said, “I’ll try this during the week, while you’re back in the city.”

But she’d have nothing of it. If I was going to brave a steak immersed in “EZ Marinade,” she’d be by my side. She’s a heck of a girl, that way.

So we bought a pair of unsuspecting steaks, got home, and placed them in the gelatinous muck of the marinading bag. I can’t believe I just wrote that. Anyway, the marinade needed a minimum of 30 minutes to dissolve the steak down to its constituent atoms and restore itself to life soak into the meat, so we gave it an hour while we took care of other stuff (I baked some pre-made/-cut cookies, while my girl stewed bananas in coconut milk). Then it was time for the show.

We put the steaks in the broiler. Because we’re the sort of people who bought Jack Daniel’s Mesquite EZ Marinader, the packaging comes with explicit instructions: namely, take the food OUT of the bag before cooking it. Yes, dear reader, it’s apparently necessary to warn consumers not to put A PLASTIC BAG into a broiler or onto a grill. We took the bag’s advice.

Ten or so minutes later, we got our brown-jelly-covered steaks out of the broiler. Most of the brown jelly seemed to have burned away, but we were afraid it was hiding somewhere in the broiler.

This is the last known picture of me, just a moment before my first bite. Fortunately, my digital camera has a bemusement-filter.

As it turned out, the marinade wasn’t bad. It wasn’t good, either. It was phenomenally generic. Two weeks earlier, Amy & I tried out a rib place here in NJ, but it turned out to be bar food, and the sauce on the ribs was “utterly adequate,” as she put it. These steaks came out the same way; we basically cooked up bar food at home, with better quality meat. Fortunately, we blew off Spirited Away for some Family Guy reruns, and offset the over-sweet marinade with a broccoli rabe and garlic side, but I think I learned my lesson: Never do anything on a whim in a supermarket.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to see how these frozen, microwave-able White Castles came out.

Hair and Gin

Went into the city last night for my friend Elayne’s birthday get-together. Her birthday was last month, actually, but she and her co-worker James decided to delay their festivities till the semester was over.

So we met at the Telephone Bar, where we had a room sorta reserved to hang out, drink, nosh, and gallivant. But first, I got a long-overdue haircut. I needed to get it cut for about two months, but kept getting delayed and then lazy. Eventually, I started looking like a big angry Q-tip, so I hit the Jean-Claude Biguine on E. 23rd and had a large, swarthy French-speaking guy “style” me. The final result was great. I felt like I was the best-looking straight guy at the party that evening. Not that anyone else believed it.

Anyway, here are some pix, which is all you’re really in this for. I can tell:

Some people talked.

Others sat in a comfyish corner.

Renowned author Samuel R. Delany put in an appearance! Even though Elayne asked me to bring my camera, she seems terrified that I’m taking this pic.

That’s better.

Both guests/hosts of honor! Belated happy birthdays abound!

I had a little too much gin last night, so I’m a bit run down today. I’m also working on a really writing-heavy issue of the magazine (as opposed to the issues where I get in a lot of contributed articles), so I’m outta words right now. I’m gonna go catch Game 1 of the NBA Finals. If I get a chance this weekend, I’ll write up the Mad Mix that I made for Elayne’s birthday gift.