Category Football

This Week in Oh, No, He Di’n't!

Last week, I goofed on Sports Illustrated for ignoring ongoing sports in favor of a Tolstoy-length profile of a guy who surfs.

This week’s “SI:WTF?” moment comes in the form of a Dan Patrick interview with Tony Dungy, former head coach of the Indianapolis Colts. Football season is, um, around five months away and Mr. Dungy is retired, so who better to interview?(?!)

Mr. Patrick asked Mr. Dungy about the latter’s plans to visit Michael Vick in prison. Let’s join in progress:

DP: What do you hope to accomplish?

TD: I want to go out there as a friend. I met Michael when we played [the Falcons] in Japan, and we’d always talked about going fishing together. I’m just going out there to talk about life and what he’s going to face. Most people are going to be against him, and he’s got to understand that. I’m going to talk to him like I would talk to my son.

At this point, there were three ways Mr. Patrick could have proceeded:

  1. “You do recall that one of your sons killed himself right before Christmas in 2005, right?”
  2. “Are you planning on bringing Andy Reid as support?”
  3. “If you were still coaching, would you take a chance on him?”

Unfortunately, Mr. Patrick chose “3″.

I’m very glad that this blog has such small readership that I can actually make a joke about the suicide of an 18-year-old and not feel like I’m going to get vilified too harshly.

But if you think I’m bad, Mr. Patrick is the one who seems to think Vick deserves a “second chance” because . . . guys with DUI manslaughter convictions are given second chances?

Just to prove I’m not making this up, here’s another excerpt:

DP: You could kill somebody and have a better chance of coming back [than Michael Vick, who bred dogs to fight to the death and, if the dogs didn't "show enough fight," killed them by "various methods, including hanging, drowning and slamming at least one dog's body to the ground."] . . .

TD: I’ve said that. I agree with you. We’ve seen it. It’s happened.

DP: [Rams defensive end] Leonard Little killed somebody with a DUI, and it’s not brought up. But Michael Vick killed dogs, therefore he doesn’t deserve another chance. [I DID NOT ALTER THIS LINE IN THE SLIGHTEST]

TD: Some people say, “That could have been me; I drink a little bit. So I can have empathy for that, because that could have been me. But I could never kill a dog, so we shouldn’t give this guy a second chance.” It’s a strange mentality. But that’s what Michael is going to be facing. And that’s what I want to speak to him about.

I have no idea what Mr. Patrick’s point about DUI is. If he’s angry that people aren’t complaining that Mr. Little killed someone while DUI, then he should probably get out and protest the opening of every Matthew Broderick movie (as though they could have worse box office). If he thinks that DUI in general is as serious as death, then he oughtta ban Charles Barkley from his radio show.

If he doesn’t have any coherent point, and just believes that athletes should be out on the field, regardless of their legal transgressions, then . . . he’s your standard idiot sportscaster, I guess.

But I’m more interested in Mr. Dungy’s response. See, he thinks it’s a “strange mentality” we have, not allowing a guy to make millions in the NFL just because he spent his money building a dogfighting syndicate and, in his spare time, killing his dogs in brutal ways. I find it interesting that Mr. Dungy strips all the conspiracy, the brutality, the ugliness of Mr. Vick’s actions and replaces it all with “killing a dog.” It’s amazing how far people will relax their standards when a star quarterback is involved.

ANYWAY: all of this brings me to a thought experiment about Michael Vick. A little earlier in this post, I linked to his indictment, which included graphic details of how Vick & his pals brutally killed some of their dogs.

Here’s my hypothetical: How would your opinion of Vick’s case change if they had killed those dogs with the same care and practice that a veterinarian uses when putting a dog down?

That is, how would you feel about Vick if his guys had gently euthanized their rejected dogs with an injection, rather than killing them by hand? Would it make any difference in how “forgivable” his actions are?

(Note: Do not read this heartbreaking SI cover article on the fate of Mr. Vick’s surviving dogs until after you’ve thought about that hypothetical, because this’ll likely redouble your rage.)

Are you ready for some football?

Because nothing says “Cowboys football” like New Zealand baby lamb chops, Kobe beef with a cognac demi-glace and truffled macaroni and cheese.

Sports Questions

1. Is it better when fans can’t remember from year to year who was in the championship game/series (see NFL, MLB) or when the same two competitors reach the finals every time (Nadal, Federer)?

* * *

2. Is it better that the general public thinks that everyone in your league is on cocaine, or that everyone in your league is on steroids?

* * *

3. Does the 76ers’ roster sound like the lineup of a ’70s funk band?

  • Andre
  • Andre
  • Thaddeus
  • Samuel
  • Willie
  • Elton
  • Lou
  • Reggie
  • Royal
  • Marreese
  • Theo
  • Donyell
  • Kareem

To reiterate

When I wrote, “It’s the quiet ones you need to worry about,” I meant Marvin Harrison: O.G.

I’m smaht!

My favorite part of this Daily News headline is that the News is supposed to be the “smarter” of the two NYC tabloids. Your a genious!

Little Fluffy Tight Ends?

I feel kinda bad that I stopped paying attention to Hurricane Ike once it took New Orleans and environs off its itinerary. Sure, the people of Houston and its environs have plenty to worry about, but hey.

In fact, Ike’s change of path may have an added benefit! In addition to an election season where we have our first sorta black presidential candidate and our second female vice presidential candidate, Ike may have revealed to us the first out gay player in the NFL!

The Houston Texans, concerned about the timing of Ike’s landfall, have pushed their home game against the Ravens from Sunday afternoon to Monday evening and rescheduled practices to allow players and office staff to take care of their families. But buried in the middle of the article is this paragraph:

Texans tight end Owen Daniels said the hurricane isn’t a distraction and is a bit intrigued at the prospect of going through one. He has a degree in atmospheric and oceanic sciences and hopes to be a television weatherman one day.

Far be it from me to stereotype an entire profession, but I think it’s pretty clear that all television weathermen are gay. (Don’t believe me?) Every single one of them. (Especially him.) I’m not sure why that is, but it adds some color to the local news, I guess.

Now, I may be wrong; maybe Mr. Daniels wasn’t speaking in lightly veiled code about his sexual preferences. Still, I hope he embraces this role in bridging the hypermacho NFL and the hypergay weathercasting worlds.

(And I hope that Houston doesn’t get pasted too badly by the storm. Good luck!)

Maybe his brother can suit up!

I’m kinda astonished that the NFL season starts tomorrow night. I figure I’ll order up some pizza on the way home from Amy’s train and watch the Giants begin their defense of the champi –

– oh, who am I kidding? The Giants could go 3-13 this year and I won’t care! They beat the Patriots in the Superbowl and derailed The Perfect Season!

Anyway, I was just clicking around on ESPN.com and noticed that Baltimore’s starting QB Kyle Boller last year is gone for the season. I wondered who’s going to start for new head coach John Harbaugh, and I read the following sentence:

Boller entered the preseason competing for the starting job with Troy Smith and top draft pick Joe Flacco, who ultimately won the job because of Boller’s injury and Smith’s lengthy battle with infected tonsils.

So that means that Baltimore is starting a QB because one of his competitors wrecked his shoulder and the other got tonsilitis.

I know this team won a Superbowl with Trent Dilfer at QB (beating the Giants), but I have a feeling the Ravens fans will be covering their eyes and saying, “Nevermore!” a week or two into the season.

Look at the tail on Haley’s Comet!

This is a family blog, so I’m not going to quote my favorite passage from this NYPost review of Boys Will be Boys, Jeff Pearlman’s history of the Dallas Cowboys of the early ’90s. But you really need to read it, regardless of whether you like football. Trust me; you’ll laugh in shock when you get to That Paragraph.

License to Ill

Both the Giants and the Jets are planning to sell “Personal Seat Licenses” (PSLs) to gouge season ticket holders pay for construction of their new shared stadium. This morning’s Newark Star-Ledger has an article on the subject, and it makes one of the most bone-headed statements I’ve read about PSLs.

The cost of building stadiums — along with cities’ increasing reluctance to commit tax dollars to sports projects — has made such fees necessary at new venues, according to sports finance experts. The $1.6 billion stadium being built next to the current Giants Stadium is expected to open in mid-2010. These fees would help fund the construction.

The Giants and Jets are sharing the costs of what is expected to be the most expensive stadium built. The state is paying an estimated $300 million for infrastructure improvements at the Meadowlands, as well as other costs related to the new venue.

The Giants’ seat licenses are expected to bring in $300 million to $400 million, team co-owner John Mara said in June. If the Jets were to match that with their take from the PSLs, the cost of the stadium construction would have been cut in half.

That’s right! The cost of the stadium will be cut in half by PSLs! A $1.6 billion stadium — the most expensive ever, the article notes — will only cost half as much! PSLs are magic!

Actually, the cost of building the $1.6 billion stadium is $1.6 billion, you morons. It’s just a question of whose $1.6 billion is going to pay for it. And thanks to PSLs, it looks like loyal season ticket buyers are going to be on the hook for half of it!

At least the Star-Ledger’s economic idiocy isn’t as bad as the NY Daily News’ attempt at making PSLs look like they’re a favor to the fans:

The Jets and Giants are discussing a plan that would give the owners of personal seat licenses (PSLs) first dibs on concert tickets and other non-football events in the new $1.6 billion stadium, Jets owner Woody Johnson revealed Saturday.

Johnson, confirming the Jets will announce their PSL pricing plan later this month, said it may include a system for Jets and Giants PSL owners to “alternate events as they come along during the year — concerts, a tractor pull, whatever we have.”

That certainly would make PSLs more appealing for those apprehensive about shelling out thousands of dollars.

Really? If a ticket-holder comes up with thousands of dollars to help finance your football stadium, you’ll also give him first crack at tickets for a tractor pull? Awesome! Where do I sign up?

I guess it’s too much to expect the local sports sections, which rely on access to these teams, to offer anything but the party line.

Sign Language

I was in the running for this job, but the competition was cutthroat. BWAH-HA-HAH!