Month: June 2004

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Go, Ape, Go!

Following up an ape rampage story from several months ago, it seems that investigators finally figured out how Jabari got escaped his exhibit in the Dallas Zoo: he took a running jump over a 12-foot moat and a 14-foot wall.

“All it does is give you pause and you think, ‘This may be one championship gorilla here, but I’ve got to be careful because maybe I’ve got one too,'” said Terry L. Maple, former director of Zoo Atlanta for 17 years, who has written about gorilla behavior.

It’s a pity Jabari was shot and killed, and that Grape Ape got nailed for steroids. Otherwise, we were looking at a pretty good matchup at the Laff-alympics this summer.

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Capitol Offense II

In March, my lifelong buddy Todd Kutyla provided his first VM guest-blog, about life in Washington, DC. Here’s the next one, which might seem slightly dated, but that’s because he e-mailed it over while I was traveling through California last week. I’ll try to post this stuff more timelily (okay, “in more timely fashion”), and he’ll try to write more often.

Washington DC shuts down for any number of reasons: weather, congressional budget impasses, federal holidays . . . This week it’s the memorial services for Ronald Reagan, our 40th president.

Yesterday, helicopters patrolled the skies and fighter-jets flew the missing man formation as tens of thousands of people lined Constitution Ave. to view the procession to Capitol Hill. I wasn’t among the crowd, though I did see the jets and helicopters. I watched the whole thing on the news last night. Not being a fan of Ronald Reagan, I have to say it is something awesome to behold the death of a leader who is so much a part of the modern American experience.

I guess I’m one of those odd cynics who is still sincerely moved by ceremony. I am touched by the pomp and circumstance of an Easter Mass as much as I am by the sight of a flag-draped coffin making its way down Constitution Ave. on a horse-drawn carriage. If I’m still living in this city when our 39th or 42nd President passes, I’m sure I’ll be among the mourners on the sidewalk.

I will not, however, clap as the funeral procession passes before me. That’s just not right. But, that is exactly what happened as Reagan’s body passed before the crowd yesterday–people clapped. It was odd, to say the least. At what should have been a solemn moment of reflection, people gave a standing ovation to a dead man.

That’s what we do, I guess, when we don’t know what else to do.

Silence is far too awkward. Besides, so much of everyday life has become performance that these memorials might just be a sort of awards ceremony. Not much difference, I suppose, between honoring the memory of famous person and celebrating a superior acting job. I don’t think Ronal Reagan ever won and Oscar. Without making too much of the actor-turned-president thing, I have to admit, the man who sat in the White House through so many of my formative years sure did give us one hell of a performance. As for the rest of the drama? I wasn’t too crazy about the plot but I do think some of the characters were interesting.

The current sequel has little of the subtlety or finesse of the original though, and the main character just isn’t as convincing.

—TJK

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“Portly Pepperpot”

I suppose Bill Clinton’s “just because I could”/moral failing explanation for his affair with Monica Lewinsky is better than just coming out and saying, “I felt like hoggin’!”

If there was one good thing about the Clinton-Lewinsky fling, it was that it allowed me to ask the dual questions:

a) What constitutes cheating? and

b) What constitutes sex?

At least one male friend of mine continues to contend that oral sex isn’t cheating. Of course, when I asked what he’d do if his wife said, “Don’t worry! I didn’t cheat on you! I just gave a guy a blowjob!”, he admitted that he’d likely put her head through a wall.

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Beat: LA

I’m glad the Pistons won the NBA championship (especially because they beat my team in the second round of the playoffs). I’m glad that Shaq and Kobe were beaten like dogs. I’m glad that Gary Payton and Karl Malone will likely go the rest of their lives without winning The Big One.

But most of all, I’m glad Darvin Ham finally gets a championship ring.

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By any other name

Marc Lacey at the Times interviewed Colin Powell about Sudan recently. Here’s a snippet:

MR. LACEY: Okay. Now, some have used the term “ethnic cleansing” to describe this situation and others outside of the government are even using the term “genocide.” Now, the Government of Sudan calls these terms inflammatory, inaccurate. What’s the right term here? Is this ethnic cleansing? Does this reach the level of genocide?

SECRETARY POWELL: You know, these turn out to be almost legal matters of definition and I’m not prepared to say what is the correct legal term for what’s happening. All I know is that there are at least a million people who are desperately in need, and many of them will die if we can’t get the international community mobilized and if we can’t get the Sudanese to cooperate with the international community. And it won’t make a whole lot of difference after the fact what you’ve called it.

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And, boy, are my arms tired!

I’m back from California. I’ll ramble extensively about it tonight. Until then, here’s an e-mail response I received from Senator Frank Lautenberg (D-NJ), regarding the Sudan query I sent him last month:

Dear Gil:

Thank you for expressing your concerns about Sudan.

I appreciate your concerns regarding the civil war ongoing in Sudan, as well as the mass killings in the Darfur region. April 2004 marked the tenth anniversary of the Rwandan genocide. The inability of foreign governments to intercede between clashing Hutus and Tutsis contributed to the massacre of nearly one million Tutsis. This somber anniversary reminds us of the obligations that come along with American power to prevent atrocities and possible genocides.

Sudan has been ravaged by civil war intermittently for four decades. An estimated two million people have died over the past two decades due to war-related causes and famine, and millions have been displaced from their homes. According to the United Nations, an estimated three million people are in need of emergency food aid.

In mid-2003, the government of Sudan significantly increased its presence in the western Darfur region by arming the Arab militia, the Janjaweed, and by deploying the Popular Defense Force (PDF). The Janjaweed, under the direction of regular government forces, reportedly unleashed a campaign of terror against civilians. The Arab militia engaged in what United Nations officials described as “ethnic cleansing” of the African ethnic groups of Darfur. Men have been summarily executed, women have been raped, and more than 100,000 have been forced into exile in neighboring countries. In early February 2004, the government launched a major military offensive against the rebel forces, and by mid-February 2004, President Omar Bashir, in a nationally televised speech, declared that the security forces had crushed two ethnic African Muslim militias, the Sudan Liberation Army (SLA) and the Justice and Equality Movement (JEM), and offered amnesty to the rebels.

According to United Nations and U.S. officials, the situation in Darfur is considered the worst current humanitarian and human rights crisis in the world. Out of a population of seven million people, one million are internally displaced, over 100,000 are forced into exile, and tens of thousands of civilian have been killed. Since October 2003, U.S. Agency for International Development (USAID) has provided over 74,000 metric tons of emergency food assistance and the State Department has provided more than $10 million for refugee assistance. As of April 23, 2004, total U.S. government (USG) assistance for Darfur was estimated at $85.5 million. USAID has also established a Disaster Assistance Response Team (DART) for Darfur, although the government of Sudan has not yet allowed the team to go into Darfur.

Rest assured that I will continue to monitor the civil war and humanitarian crises occurring in Sudan, and pursue further legislative provisions to prevent further atrocities from taking place. Thank you again for your correspondence.

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Did Pythagoras invent the triangle offense?

Dave D’Alessandro on the Lakers:

Two millennia and four centuries ago, Pericles observed that an empire, once acquired, is a very dangerous thing to let go. Of course, he was more preoccupied with establishing a democracy while fighting off the plague, so his problems were different from Phil Jackson’s.

Unfortunately, I think the Lakers are going to win the finals in 5 games, which is much better than the Athenians ended up doing.