A podcast about books, art & life — not necessarily in that order
No Unrequired Reading for you this week! That’s due less to my malaise, and more to my laptop being in the shop. It suffered the hinge-break that first-generation MacBook Air models are prone to (“so take / this broken hinge . . .”). Apple is replacing the monitor and hinge gratis, but the laptop has all my RSS feeds and saves, which is how I compile Unrequired Reading each week.
So you’re outta luck! Why not just check out my blogroll over by clicking on that Sites To See link instead?
Well, dear readers, your Virtual Memoirist has a confession to make: I’ve been in denial about how badly my pal Sang’s death has affected me and I belatedly realized that I am in the midst of depression. I’ve been chalking up my symptoms to some other cause, as if there’s some clearer reason that I’ve been emotionally flat, unable to craft a sentence, sullen, and physically cold for the past two weeks. The world itself has felt like it’s at arm’s length. If it weren’t for Amy’s love, I think I’d have drifted away.
I don’t know when I’m going to write another post. I’m trying to get myself writing, but everything I’ve tried has come out lifeless. It’s all just a collection of mundane events, with no magic, no song. Maybe I’ll wake up tomorrow and I’ll just feel right again. Maybe I unburdened myself a little when I cried to my wife this evening. Maybe I need to cry more. I really can’t tell. I’m 39 years old and barely know myself sometimes. I honestly didn’t attribute all this to the most obvious cause there is. I feel like I’m in a mist.
I took Tuesday off and went to the city to visit the Morgan Library and Museum and have lunch with a pal. I added some more stops after that, and managed to turn everything into a race; I had to get back to the car by a certain time, to try to miss the traffic and get home in time to take care of the dogs. In my heart, I knew that I’d created that compressed timetable deliberately, because I wanted to worry about the immediacy of something, to be in a race. I was creating anxiety because I didn’t want to address the angst that’s been lurking since Sang’s death.
I got almost nothing out of the Morgan; it was a limited exhibition space, but I still flattened out the experience almost to nil. My only moment of joy was when I discovered that JP’s old library contained a 1595 edition of Montaigne’s Essais.
Lunch with my friend was better, because he’s known me so long, but I fear that I was somehow absent in that conversation; rather, the part of me that’s beset by grief was absent. And without that, what’s left?
So you may be getting a reprieve from this heap of broken images while I try to feel what I’m feeling.
What I’m reading: Cloud Atlas
What I’m listening to: Welcome to the Pleasuredome
What I’m watching: In the Loop
What I’m drinking: DH Krahn & Q Tonic
What Rufus & Otis are up to: Their first Sunday greyhound hike together.
Where I’m going: Nowhere! So don’t try and get me to go anywhere.
What I’m happy about: Not being in Haiti, I guess.
What I’m sad about: I think I’m going through that seasonal affective disorder. I’ve just sorta generally been down this past week, not just because of my pal Sang’s death. Also, my iPod repair ultimately failed, so I had to order up a new one.
What I’m worried about: That I won’t get round to writing that Books O’ The Decade post, nor the Emerson seminar one. I gotta buckle down. You guys deserve it.
What I’m pondering: Who to cheer for if we end up with a Saints/Jets Superbowl.
What I’m reading: Cloud Atlas
What I’m listening to: Some of my old Mad Mix playlists, and Telepopmusik.
What I’m watching: NFL playoffs, The Royal Tenenbaums, The Visitor, and not much else.
What I’m drinking: Old Raj & Q-Tonic, for my pre-birthday present.
What Rufus & Otis are up to: Oh, you know the drill: Rufus using Otis as a pillow, Otis lounging on my fainting couch, etc. Sadly, we discovered this weekend that Otis is a crypto-Muslim:
Where I’m going: I have that St. John’s event on Tuesday, but that’s about the extent of my travel plans. Amy took me out to Marea on Saturday night for my pre-birthday dinner, so it looks like my EZ-Pass tag will get a little workout.
What I’m happy about: Making my first non-emergency visit to a dentist since 1988 (cleaning and checkup), finding a navy pinstripe suit in my size/cut at a Macy’s sale, helping Amy with a bunch of housecleaning, honoring my pal Sang’s memory by making a joke about Asian drivers in the parking lot outside his wake/funeral. And I turn 39 today! Yay, me!
What I’m sad about: Sang & I are never going to have our follow-up conversation about Chandni Chowk to China. Also, my 120gb iPod has only party survived my emergency surgery to replace its battery.
What I’m worried about: When I’m going to see all the friends I haven’t made time to see, and the ones who’ve let our friendship drift.
What I’m pondering: Reconstituting my old Smart Guys Salon for occasional weekend brunches in NYC with friends.
One my pals, Sang Lee, was found dead in his apartment yesterday, apparently victim of a heart attack. I’m pretty grief-stricken right now, so my final Man Out of Time post is on hold for the moment.
Rest in peace, friend.
Posted by Frank Wilson at Books, Inq. – The Epilogue this morning:
The happiest people are those who think the most interesting thoughts. Those who decide to use leisure as a means of mental development, who love good music, good books, good pictures, good company, good conversation, are the happiest people in the world. And they are not only happy in themselves, they are the cause of happiness in others.
– William Lyon Phelps, born on this date in 1865
I think it sums up how I try to live. Or at least how I live when I’m living best.
Here are the 10 most-viewed Virtual Memories posts from 2009. Enjoy! (You likely already did, but hey!)
I’m taking this week off! I just finished our 430-page year-end issue, so I’m taking a break from everydarnthing! No Unrequired Reading, no wacky literary recommendations, no etc., etc., amen!
Come back next week for my big-ol’ decade-end post and a special New Year’s edition of Unrequired Reading!
And have a happy Christmas, my Christian readers!
This was shot in my office a few months ago, and is one of my lead arguments for why I prefer to work at home:
Further along in this press release, it reads, “Previously, he worked for SMERSH, Hugo Drax and Ernst Blofeld. He did his post-doc work on the Solex Agitator under Francisco Scaramanga.”