There were two significant (and probably related) coffee announcements this week: McDonald’s plans to add coffee bars to its stores, and Starbucks founder and chairman Howard Schultz has taken back his CEO role. I don’t have a horse in this race, since I prefer Dunkin Donuts’ coffee (unless there’s a Tim Hortons around, of course), wouldn’t set foot in a McDonald’s for anything except a fry-fix, and can’t stand Starbucks’ actual coffee (y’know, the black stuff).
I’ve read a lot of commentary on these moves — check out Megan McCardle’s and Bill Conerly’s — but I think the most salient insights come from this conversation between Roast Beef and Ray:
ME: Tell me what you like most about Starbucks I mean I know you get coffee there.
RAY: The chicks who work there, dude! All tight black pants, smilin’, hell of took a shower lately . . .
ME: Now tell me what you remember about the McDonald’s worker chicks.
RAY: They . . . they get these weird little purple blotches on their faces, but they don’t seem to come to a head. And . . . and they got those flappy bellies that the company makes them tuck into their pants. Bellies that could hang into a sink, but not stick out above a sink. Wait, hold on a minute, man–
ME: Plus think about it Ray if they can’t even repeat NUMBER THREE, DIET COKE how they gonna do with a double venti short tall nonfat mocha no foam cappuccino with two ice cubes and a half shot of sugarfree vanilla for Mackenzie who by the way is a skinny woman in Versace sunglasses and not a fat Irish man in an Aran cable sweater holding a Guinness.
Now go read some Achewood. I’m gonna get me some DD and finish up that Jan/Feb ish.