I’m the Juggernaut, bitch!
ATLANTIC
Boston Celtics by Tom Spurgeon
New Jersey Nets by Gil Roth
New York Knicks by Gil Roth
Philadelphia 76ers by Adam Taxin
Toronto Raptors by Sam Richezza
CENTRAL
Chicago Bulls by Tom Spurgeon
Cleveland Cavaliers by Tom Spurgeon
Detroit Pistons by Tom Spurgeon
Indiana Pacers by Tom Spurgeon
Milwaukee Bucks by Gil Roth
SOUTHEAST
Atlanta Hawks by Tom Spurgeon
Charlotte Bobcats by Tom Spurgeon
Miami Heat by Tom Spurgeon
Orlando Magic by Gil Roth
Washington Wizards by Gil Roth
NORTHWEST
Denver Nuggets by Tom Spurgeon
Denver Nuggets BONUS PREVIEW by Craig Sirkin
Minnesota Timberwolves by Gil Roth
Portland Trailblazers by Gil Roth
Seattle Supersonics by Craig Sirkin
Utah Jazz by Craig Sirkin
PACIFIC
Golden State Warriors by Tom Spurgeon
LA Clippers by Tom Spurgeon
LA Lakers by Tom Spurgeon
Phoenix Suns by Gil Roth
Sacramento Kings by Gil Roth
SOUTHWEST
Dallas Mavericks by Tom Spurgeon
Houston Rockets by Tom Spurgeon
Memphis Grizzlies by Tom Spurgeon
New Orleans/Oklahoma City Hornets by Gil Roth
San Antonio Spurs by Gil Roth
* * *
by Tom Spurgeon
Mark Cuban entertains fans the same way as a star of amateur porn does, except instead of having sex he spends money and acts out. You watch Cuban, and he looks like he’s having fun, but a secret part of his appeal is you feel like you could spend the money just as effectively as he does, with slightly better results.
None of that has much to do with Dallas as a team, where coach Avery Johnson — and it’s nice to have a coach in the NBA that can be so easily impersonated — basically pulled out the San Antonio Spur blueprint and chipped away at every piece of the Dallas Mavericks that didn’t look like Tim Duncan complaining about contact. This meant coaching the team’s best player on the difference between effortless dominance (a generally unstoppable, go-to move) and meaningful dominance (a generally unstoppable go-to move that has positive consequences for the team even when it’s stopped).
The length and success of Johnson’s tenure will depend on how long he can go putting really bad lead actors into supporting roles, hoping the talent level will mitigate the massive drop-off in overall effectiveness through which Dallas frequently suffers in the second and third quarters. Given his owner, Johnson better hopes ABC puts together a non eye-stabbing pre-game show featuring someone funny that could make Johnson the muppet-like star he deserves to be.
Last Year’s Record: 60-22
This Year’s Record: 58-24
* * *
by Tom Spurgeon
With the face of a Bond villain and the disposition of a high school debate team Lincoln-Douglas specialist, 7-foot-holy-shit center Yao Ming’s career once and for all proves that if Arvydas Sabonis had come to America before he had become a fused-knee cripple, some stupid coach would have screwed him up, too.
The Chinese-born, flash in the advertising pan Ming was paired early on in his North American basketball career with special instructor and Orlando Magic great Patrick Ewing, who successfully taught the greatest talent of the last 20 years how to take ill-advised 12-footers and jog up the court. Ming surprised everyone by being good at 12-footers and, frankly, being able to use the jog up the court to conserve energy after an off-season of playing three times a day on some Hu Jintao-coached industrial league team, and, I think heard a report say it, jog in place at all times. A flow player that would have scored 42 points a game on any upper-echelon team in 1978, Ming is stuck in today’s modern NBA of isolation plays and sullen three-point shooting (a.k.a. “the Payton”), and so we’re stuck hoping that the Phoenix guy starts getting his assistants out there as head coaches before Ming’s feet catch their first case of riksmitsitis.
Tracy McGrady also plays for the Rockets. More law-abiding than Kobe, less physically out of a Robert Heinlein novel than Kevin Garnett, nowhere near the press conference roastmaster that Iverson is, McGrady bores the crap out of me. I’m told he’s awfully good.
Last Year’s Record: 34-48
This Year’s Record: 38-44
* * *
by Tom Spurgeon
Having heard him speak on radio shows and the like, I have to imagine that the local media is going to miss departed all-world back-up Shane Battier (now a Houston Rocket) more than any other group will miss him. Luckily, the team made moves in anticipation of losing Battier’s bizarrely wrinkled head by securing the services of Eddie Jones, and will thus keep its title as the ugliest team in the league.
The Grizzlies were recently sold to an investment group spearheaded by Christian Laettner and Brian Davis, meaning the bulk of the press action and all of the Ahmad Rashad visits will now go through the managing partner’s office. Although it sounds like Davis will be more hands-on than the pat owner, we should take a moment to pay tribute to Laettner as the all-time answer to stupid trivia questions where the answers count on remembering that he, not Shaquille O’Neal, made the original Dream Team.
I don’t really get the Memphis roster, which for years has looked like Jerry West has been building around a superstar, just without the superstar. This year’s includes both Brian Cardinal, whom you may remember from his time as Golden State Warrior, and Jake Tsakalidis, whom you may remember from his stint as an evil weather-controlling shipping magnate out to get Luke and Laura on General Hospital. Pau Gasol’s Green River Killer beard will hopefully make a comeback, but other than that, it should be a long, boring year.
Last Year’s Record: 49-33
This Year’s Record: 50-32
* * *
New Orleans/Oklahoma City Hornets
by Gil Roth
Last year, most everybody took pity on the Hornets. Not only was their city flooded, but they had to play most of their season in Oklahoma City, and they had just hired a coach who was renowned for, um, delegating his responsibilities (to put it mildly).
The Hornets got respectable last year on the strength of rookie point guard Chris Paul, and developing power forward David West. This year, they broke the bank to sign Peja Stojakovic, who will provide them with incredible outside scoring for the first 3 quarters of games. Since they have end-of-game finishers already, they will worry less about Peja’s inability to show up in clutch moments than Sacramento did, where most of the team was willing to, um, delegate their responsibilities in big games.
They also traded PJ Brown, a veteran from Louisiana, for the underachieving and brittle Tyson Chandler. Their idea was that Chandler could play like Kenyon Martin did with Jason Kidd in New Jersey, running like a maniac and dunking everything that comes his way, without bothering to work on his overall game. Sounds like a plan.
Overall, it looks like the Hornets are actually capable of a playoff run this season (especially because I think Memphis is going to crash and burn without Pau Gasol this season), which will leave them in the quandary of deciding where to host their playoff games: New Orleans or Oklahoma City?
But the bigger issue that I joked that a friend of my wife’s family was going to recover from ALS before the Hornets turned things around (she was a big Hornets fan). As I wrote last year, I was wrong and she was right. The Hornets got a lot better, and Miss Joyce died a month or so back.
In honor of her boundless optimism for the Hornets (even if they didn’t follow my suggestion and name their cheerleader the Hornettes), I’m officially dedicating this year’s NBA preview to her memory.
Last year’s record: 38-44
This year’s record: 80-2
* * *
by Gil Roth
There is so little to say about this team, it’s not funny. It’s the same Big Three as last year, the same bunch of role players from last year, the same coach & GM from last year. The only thing that’s changed is the center tandem; Nazr Mohammad left and got replaced by a couple of no-names, including Jackie “21 going on 45” Butler.
The lack of change is much like San Antonio itself. I’m writing this preview during my fourth visit here, and I’ve yet to see anything that’s particularly different in that 1997-2006 span. (That’s not true; they’re renovating part of the Riverwalk, over by the convention center. But that’s about it. Oh, and the video arcade where I played Cyberball 2072 during my first two visits is closed down. And they paved paradise and put up a parking lot.)
The lack of a decent center means the Spurs will move Duncan to center and go small, so they can better match up with the Mavericks. Or maybe that’s just what they WANT the Mavs to think. Maybe they’re actually going to force-feed minutes to Francisco “Rotterdam’s Finest” Elson and watch him double his career numbers for points per game . . . to 8.2.
Yeah, the Spurs are trying to change the way they play, even though they posted their best season ever last year. They figure that Duncan, not having tried to defend his country’s honor in the World Games this summer, is going to be healthy. Tony Parker did try to defend his country’s honor at the Worlds, and got a broken finger to show for it. Manny Ginobili also tried to defend his country’s honor, and failed miserably, coming in 4th place. Also, people made fun of his comb-over.
They’ll be really good, because they have speed, but can also play in the halfcourt by dumping the ball into The Big Unfun Fundamental. I don’t know how they’ll deal with the hangover of blowing a massive lead at home in game 7 against Dallas. In all likelihood, they’ll stroll down the Riverwalk, go to one of 10 bazillion margarita bars, and drink their sorrows away. Which doesn’t sound like a bad idea.
Last season: 63-19
This season: 58-24
* * *
by Tom Spurgeon
The big news in Chicago is that the addition of Ben Wallace is supposed to turn the still-young Chicago team into serious title contenders. What the move really does is 1) afford game announcers the opportunity to suggest this is going to happen 5,000 times during the forthcoming season, and 2) make it likely that the Bulls will get off to a really quick start because Wallace will have worked out before the season harder than at any point since Clinton was president. All the workouts; not just the lifty ones.
The actual effect the trade will have on the basketball floor after March will be mitigated by the fact that Wallace has slowed down just enough his one-on-one defense has gone down a half-notch. In Detroit’s series with Cleveland last spring, Wallace was regularly outplayed by someone from South America that looked way too much like Matt Stone’s character from Baseketball for me, or you, to take Big Ben seriously as a championship difference-maker.
On the other hand, Wallace is than the players Chicago had at that position — S.H.I.E.L.D. duplicates of actual NBA players. Plus Wallace will always have a place in true fans’ hearts for spending a big chunk of his rookie salary on a decked-out pick-up truck, which was then robbed.
Kirk Hinrich, the first player since Charles Barkley to look bigger surrounded by pros than he did in college surrounded by students (and Barkley sort of cheated), remains the Bulls’ best player, while Luol Deng is its real key to their becoming a Eastern Conference finalist, and Ben Gordon will become by season’s end the player most likely to be traded to Memphis.
Last Year’s Record: 41-41
This Year’s Record: 44-38
* * *
by Tom Spurgeon
We learned one important thing last year. For a man in his early fifties, LeBron James plays the game like he’s decades younger.
Two things about James’ career to date puzzle me. First, one worries about the level of coaching in the NBA when LeBron’s big improvement last year over previous seasons is that it was decided that LeBron going to the rim a lot might be a good idea. I don’t know about you, but that was the first day of YBA for me and the rest of The Mean Machine.
Second, has there ever been a stranger set of commercials designed to introduce an icon to the world than those where LeBron plays a bunch of different-aged versions of himself — including a young LeBron that sexually rhapsodizes over baked goods? This is supposed to say what about the player exactly? “This player has such a multi-faceted game it’s as if he’s five different people, but only in an abstract way not the mentally ill way,” or, “This ad campaign is how LeBron wants to be seen by the world, making him not only more talented than you, but much, much weirder.” Neither answer totally satisfies.
As far as the team goes, one hopes that GM Danny Ferry, who looked less like an ex-NBA player faster than any front office person ever (his head start was that he hardly looked like one in the NBA), takes a cue from the Jerry West school of player care: you can always sign as many dogs as Ferry, but you can’t lock yourself into long-term contracts until they play a season, plus you have to give your coach permission to find whatever combination of players works on the floor. I think Ferry has half of that down.
Last Year’s Record: 50-32
This Year’s Record: 55-27
* * *
by Tom Spurgeon
The Detroit Pistons are no fun. Everyone knows it. Nothing about their rise to NBA elite status fits into any of the acceptable press templates, except the one that says, “a team is more important than five individual players.” This was fun for exactly the 11 days they were kicking the crud out of the LA Lakers in the 2004 Finals. Of course, instead of going away, like they were supposed to, the Pistons stayed really good in today’s Free Agent-Era NBA, because the teams playing them had to be that much better (Miami Heat, last year) or bring something close to an equal amount of continuity to the table (San Antonio Spurs, 2005) in order to beat a team that kept its cards and developed its talent.
But they’re still no fun. For one thing, you stay good enough for long enough, somebody becomes a star — that’s true of ensemble TV shows, and it’s certainly true of high-performance sports teams. I’m just not sure it was the right one. Chauncey Billups becoming an NBA All-Star is sort of like if Taurean Blaque had become an A-list movie talent after Hill Street Blues. You’re glad for the guy, but on a certain level, you just don’t believe it.
They should still be pretty good this year — getting rid of Ben Wallace will allow them to play a more active style of interior defense, taking advantage of the length of Tayshaun Prince and Rasheed Wallace. It’s Wallace’s age and Prince’s ceiling that will keep the Pistons from getting any better than they are right now. Sort of like those ensemble shows that go from boring to unwatchable by season four.
Last Year’s Record: 64-18
This Year’s Record: 52-30
* * *
by Tom Spurgeon
The best thing about being an Indiana Pacers fan in the post-Ron Artest era is that the phrase “Pacer Hit By Car, Fires Gun At Assailant” can pop up on the CNN homepage and you know exactly who they’re talking about before you hit the link. (The second best thing is you write a line like that knowing Bill Simmons will use it before Gil posts the preview.)
Pacers fans thrill to the Detroit brawl footage of a couple years back for three things: the look on the face of Artest’s chosen victim when he realizes he’s the one about to be whaled upon even though he didn’t do anything, the other punch that Jermaine O’Neal threw at a fan that horror-movie style didn’t phase the fan at all (he was tackled by security before pulling off O’Neal’s head and tossing it in the basket), and, best of all, Stephen Jackson’s sudden, crazed appearance onscreen throwing punches at everything that moved.
One imagines that the strip club patrons that decided to start a fight with a group of guys all over 6’4” (75% of whom were packing heat) by punching their most insane-looking member in the face and then trying to run him over in a car are likely Pacers fans, too. Pacers fans in the 1970s partied with Billy Keller and the boys at the after-hours bar of the team’s choice. Fans in the 1980s and 1990s had pleasant encounters with Wayman Tisdale (at area fast food restaurants), Rik Smits (riding dirt bikes — no, really) and Reggie Miller (buying flowers for his wife from the cold case at Marsh). Is there any more appropriate interaction with today’s Pacers team than one involving naked ladies and bullets? I don’t think so.
On the court, the Pacers got Al Harrington back, which is sort of like getting the band back together, but only if that band now had three singers and no rhythm section. Harrington and O’Neal fighting over touches may temporarily distract fans from the Jermaine O’Neal’s Diminished Skills Watch, and keep out of mind the disturbing memory that Anthony Johnston — who would be played in any Indiana Pacers movie by the guy who was Ashy Larry — proved to be the best player on the floor in last year’s brief playoff run.
[Editor’s Note: I thought Anthony Johnson looked more like Beetlejuice]Last Year’s Record: 41-41
This Year’s Record: 42-40
* * *
by Gil Roth
Back in 1998, the Washington Bullet Wizards traded Chris Webber to the Sacramento Kings for Mitch Richmond. The trade helped the Kings in the greatest off-season overhaul of all time, and established them as a respectable team for the first time.
Washington? Not so much. Richmond went on to win an NBA championship ring, but he did it by riding the pines for the Lakers. The Bullet Wizards learned a valuable lesson: never trade big and young for small and old.
The Bucks may be about to reap the benefits of a corollary to that lesson: never trade big and young for small and on-the-verge-of-a-debilitating-spinal-injury. Milwaukee lucked out when Toronto took the quick, undersized, underweight, one-unlucky-fall-away-from-being-paralyzed TJ Ford in exchange for Charlie Villanueva, the greatest basketball player ever produced on Planet Alopecia.
The Bald One has bust-out potential, as he proved last year when he went bananas for Toronto a few times, including a 48-point explosion. Getting him, and removing the risk of extending Ford’s contract, only to see him end up retiring early because of his spinal condition, was a coup for Lenny “There Are Drunk Driving Laws in Milwaukee?” Harris. Charlie should help solidify the frontcourt, once Andrew Bogut, the Australio-Croatian Creation gets back from his leg injury.
The other addition to the frontcourt, Ruben “Was that a Steve Alford plea?” Patterson, proves that Milwaukee isn’t pussy-footing around this season. Nobody trades for a potential chemistry-killer like Patterson unless they’re serious about trying for 50 wins. They won’t get there, but they will probably get that #8 seed again, and get destroyed in the first round.
The point guard situation’s a little suspect, but at least they have instant offense from Michael Redd, who may battle Ray Allen for the title of “Oh, yeah, I forgot about him. He’s good, too.”
Last season: 40-42
This season: 44-38
* * *
by Tom Spurgeon
I wonder sometimes if the free agency era makes rooting for a lousy team a better or worse experience for the fans stuck doing so. When I was a kid, if your team sucked, even if everything went well it was going to be five or six years before they got better. One of the interesting things about NBA free agency is that it hasn’t eliminated The Hopeless Franchise; there are just as many doomed teams out there as there were before, it’s just that the squads on the next rung up can go from 30 wins to 45 in a single, 12-month cycle. This must be extra depressing for the fan of the terrible team, knowing that kind of year-to-year movement is just out of reach. It’s slowly becoming a way of life for the Hawks follower. Luckily, in the apathetic sports town that is Atlanta, there can’t be too many people suffering.
Atlanta’s most recognizable players are Marvin Williams, Josh Smith — two-fifths of a pretty decent NCAA second team 2007 all-tournament squad — and Joe Johnson, who is on the roster to keep remaining fans of the club from killing themselves when they realize their foundation for the future consists of guys named “Marvin” and “Josh.” Joe Johnson is also well known as the latest in a line of unlikely blame recipients for losses by the United States basketball team in games abroad, as in “Joe Johnson should have been on the roster.” Johnson’s name was selected at random by NBA deputy commissioner Russ Granik before the world championships, and he will cede this honor to Mike Miller in January 2007.
The best this team can hope for is an improbable mini-run including victories over Miami and a reeling Pacers squad, followed by an overenthusiastic mention by Stephen A. Smith during an NBA pre-game show around March 15 or so.
Last Year’s Record: 26-56
This Year’s Record: 24-58
* * *
by Tom spurgeon
Dick Vitale’s favorite professional basketball team — consisting almost entirely of blue-chip big-program college players already playing as best as they can against a lower grade of physical specimen about which he can scream on draft day anyway — is the first team whose home page I visited and had no idea who the hell was being featured on page one. Not this year: ever.
Turns out it’s veteran Brevin Knight, which should give you an idea of how good this team is right now. They added Adam Morrison, who looks more like a misunderstood kid from an episode of The White Shadow than a pro ball player. I’m going with the popular theory they made that pick just so people would stop making jokes about Michael Jordan not being able to draft a player he felt he could still beat one on one.
This team has no identity on the court and lacks a coach who could fake one for them until they get there. This means if everyone plays phenomenally well and lots of funny stuff happens to other teams they could go as high a sixth seed.
Last Year’s Record: 26-56
This Year’s Record: 28-54
* * *
by Tom Spurgeon
Dwyane Wade’s first act as MVP of the NBA Finals was to call his agent and ask for a national television commercial just as stupid and bizarre as LeBron’s. The end result shows Wade giving away a basketball hoop, a backseat full of basketballs, and a giant SUV (with no doubt hideously expensive insurance costs) to a young person and either a homeless person or their coach lurking about on the set of Kung Fu Hustle.
Wade ends the commercial pedaling away on a rickety bicycle, having exhausted every avenue to make the world a better place. I think it would be better if he were so consumed by the giving spirit he rode away naked, but that’s why my commercial directing career has gone nowhere.
The other thing I noticed with Wade is that every answer in every interview he gives now seems like it could end with, “That’s why we need to do something about Shaq. That’s why I have to kill him.” Watch one if you don’t believe me.
Speaking of our favorite on-film superhero, Shaquille O’Neal spent the off-season complaining about the new basketball and reportedly playing a kind of Dave Attell role by making late-night visits to various unsuspecting homes across America. Everyone likes Shaq as a player, but I think this year we all began to realize that one of the world’s potentially greatest weird-ass post-jock careers is out there waiting to begin. I see Karl Malone (the cowboy) and Shaq (the cop) heading up competing teams on OLN hunting down Mike “The Most Dangerous Game” Tyson sooner rather than later. (Malone won’t win that, either.)
Did anyone else out there think Pat Riley’s championship return was guaranteed as a kind of spiritual doppelganger to complement David Caruso’s unlikely career renaissance on CSI Miami?
Last Year’s Record: 52-30
This Year’s Record: 49-33
* * *
by Gil Roth
The Magic recently got a new stadium deal, which is supposed to be in place for the 2010-2011 season. Somehow, the facility’s going to cost $480 million, which must mean that government contractors are involved. I found it particularly interesting that the new building will be in downtown Orlando; to the best of my knowledge, there is no downtown to Orlando. So maybe part of the cost involved building on imaginary ground.
The team’s in pretty good shape going into this year. Dwight Howard, the high schooler going into his 3rd season, turned out to be an absolute animal, and a million times better at this point than I thought he’d be. Between him and Jameer “Krispy Kreme” Nelson, the Magic are in good shape at the big and small positions.
They’re also set at the enigma position, bolstering the uncertain health of Grant Hill with the uncertain play of Darko Milicic. Darko’s going to be playing for a big contract, but really, he should just be playing for the right not to be mentioned in Sam Bowie trivia contests.
The team got rid of Steve Francis last year, which wouldn’t have been possible if Isiah Thomas wasn’t a GM. Fortunately, they replaced his douchebag-ness with JJ Redick, who was drafted way too high this year and, like fellow too-highly-drafted Dukie Trajan Langdon, will wash out of the league and end up playing in Moscow (I pray). I don’t think he’ll be sullen enough to bring down the vibe of the team, but his transition to the NBA game is going to suck.
The best off-season story about the Magic was that Jameer Nelson paid for a team- getaway near Philadelphia this summer. Supposedly, this involved bowling and paintball, which means there may be footage of Darko playing paintball and bowling. If anyone’s got it, PLEASE post it on YouTube!
Last Year’s Record: 36-46
This Year’s Record: 44-38
* * *
by Gil Roth
Their bigs suck. There’s no way around it. It’s been years, and we all have to accept that Etan Thomas, Calvin Booth and Michael Ruffin aren’t good players (although I do have a soft spot for Michael Ruffin, who inherited the Ugliest Player in the League award from Tyrone Hill, and has an undergraduate degree in chemical engineering). The load was so heavy for newcomer Darius Songaila that his back went out and he’s gone for 3 months.
So it’s the other positions that matter for the Wiz. They wisely let Larry Hughes walk last year, since he’s not worth anything near what the Cavs offered him. By swapping Caron Butler for Kwame “Don’t look at me” Brown, they were able to replace most of Hughes’ productivity, but the other backup they added, Antonio Daniels, sucked. If anything, the Cavs should have brought him in instead of Hughes, since he would’ve been cheaper and could’ve facilitated the Cavs’ offense.
Butler fell to the 10-spot in the draft 4 years ago, and drew immediate comparisons to Paul Pierce, who went 9th overall and went on to become a star. Butler is on his 3rd team in 4 years, and the Paul Pierce comparisons have quieted down. Maybe he needs to get stabbed at a gay bar or something.
Anyway, the Wiz begin and end with Gilbert Arenas, one of my favorite players in the league. This is partly because of his swagger, but mainly because he resembles Sam Cooke, who’s my favorite singer of all time.
This week, I learned that, just like Sam Cooke, Gil loves the ladies but doesn’t seem to love condoms so much:
[The Washington Post’s recent profile on Arenas] also includes a behind-the-scenes look at what could have been one of the most bizarre NBA scenes ever. A lawyer in a paternity case threatened to serve Arenas with a subpoena in a nationally televised game March 28 in Sacramento. Arenas watched the game from his hotel room under an alias — the team said he had the flu — then flew to Houston while his teammates spent the night. The ordeal went on so long it actually became a running gag with some of the Wizards. . . . In Oakland, Arenas narrowly escaped being served when teammate Donnell Taylor was mistaken for him at a practice, giving Arenas enough time to flee.“All I heard was: ‘We’re going to get him by any means necessary. If he’s shooting a free throw, we’ll run on that floor and embarrass him, that’s what we’re going to do.’ It got that crazy and nasty,” Arenas said. Arenas and the woman, a former Kings employee, eventually came to an agreement, and the woman and their daughter now live a few miles apart in Virginia.
Also, Sam Cooke was a terrible free-throw shooter.
The Wiz will still have the highest-scoring trio in the league (Arenas, Butler, and the improbable Antawn Jamison), but I can’t imagine they’ll improve too much on last year, since their big men aren’t good and no one on the team cares much about defense.
Last Year’s Record: 42-40
This Year’s Record: 44-38
* * *
by Tom Spurgeon
I met Danny Ainge at the Phoenix airport once, a.k.a. Gateway to the Land of a Thousand Blondes. Ainge, out of TV at the time, was standing in front of me at the Burger King, and once I made the mental adjustment one always has to make when meeting NBA players that this hulking figure was indeed the relatively tiny, whiny-faced guard that served as a focus of my high school basketball-fan hatred, I was able to engage him in some basic small talk (New York, for work, he watched every game he could). If I’d known then what I know now about Ainge’s means of player evaluation, I would have spent that face time selling the Boston GM on my patented hand-size prognostication system and five-figure consultancy.
A lot of Boston fans I know obsess over the horribleness of the Rick Pitino years, now 10,000 years ago in terms of NBA coaching changes. (It’s always been like this; by the late 1970s the late Red Auerbach seemed retired from coaching since the early 1940s.) I think the Pitino-wailers may actually be onto something. All those good college / average pro players trying to play full-court basketball remains the dominant image of the Celtics in their new building, as opposed to the terrifying sweatbox filled with the likes of Cornbread Maxwell, Tiny Archibald and their 1980s army of kick-ass white guys with unattractive shoulders.
Now it just seems like they’re a struggling squad trying to enter into the big leagues; all that history is gone in the biggest way that counts — the initial mental impression. Which in many cases is a good thing because other than Paul Pierce — who is still 20 months away from bringing on a torrent of knife jokes on videogames in which he appears — they just don’t seem to have the talent they had before, back in the days when Auerbach could trade a bucket of scrapple for Robert Parrish and a first round draft choice.
Frankly, I don’t miss them.
Last Year’s Record: 33-49
This Year’s Record: 30-52
* * *
by Gil Roth
Many years ago, I saw a young Cliff Robinson defend an aged Robert Parish in the post. The Chief put on a spin move and dunked while Robinson was still facing the sideline. A week later, Parish got nailed for having some weed sent to him via FedEx. I thought, “Man, he must be smoking some great pot if it gets him loose enough to beat a guy nearly half his age.”
Now, the pupil is the master, and Robinson got busted by the NBA’s dope-squad last year after the first game of the Nets’ second-round matchup with the Heat. The Nets won that first game, but got beat the next four straight, and missed Robinson’s interior defense, since they had an otherwise crappy bench.
So this year, they brought Robinson, the oldest active player in the league, back for another go-’round, because he apologized for letting the team down. I’m glad the NBA still has weed-busts like that, while the rest of the sports are getting nailed on steroids, HGH, and monkey pituitary glands.
A lot is being made about how Vince Carter will be a free agent after this year, and is considering a jump to Orlando or back to Toronto, which both may have cap space to sign him, if they dump promising younger players and hitch their fate to a guy who folds under pressure.
This means Vince will go off for 400 ppg in the regular season, and “try to find good shots for his teammates” in the playoffs. He’ll dally with some other teams in the offseason and re-sign with the Nets for big money, unless the Nets put up a miracle run and get back to the finals.
If they pull it off, it’ll be because of Jason Kidd, who’s getting old, but is adjusting his game, the way great players do. He’s got backup this year in Marcus Williams, who should’ve gone top 10 in the draft, but has a sketchy past (even his mom busts on him for his laptop-stealing scam back at UConn). What worries me about Kidd is that he got flat-out destroyed by Anthony “Beetlejuice” Johnson in the playoffs last year, but I’ve got two thoughts about that:
a) AJ was Kidd’s backup for a while, and probably figured out good ways to produce against him, and
b) he got traded out of the conference in the off-season, so the Nets won’t have to worry about him unless Dallas gets to the finals.
Anyway, the Nets will win the Atlantic Division going away this year, but that’s less a sign of how good they are than of how putrid the division is. With Kidd being a beaten-up 34, he’ll trade reduced minutes for fresh legs in the playoffs. Richard Jefferson’s still gotta get his jump-shot to work; with a mid-range game he’d be frightening. Fortunately, he’ll have all season to practice, what with the lack of competition in the Atlantic.
Last Year’s Record: 49-33
This Year’s Record: 52-30
* * *
By Gil Roth
With a new head coach and a revamped lineup, the Knicks are poised to begin their championship run. The team is stacked with high draft picks — Steve Marbury (#4), Stephon Francis (#2), Jamal Crawford (#8), Eddy Curry (#4), Channing Frye (#8) — and has a payroll at least $50 million higher than the next closest team! They can’t help but succeed! The NBA title is coming to Madison Square Garden!
New team coach Isiah Thomas has announced plans to run-run-RUN this season! The Knicks will be able to do plenty of it since their center tandem of Curry & Jerome James have dropped under 600 lbs., and the stars won’t need to focus on defense this season. After all, they drafted defensive stopper small forward Renaldo Balkman in the first round, and spent $30 million on defensive stopper small forward Jared Jeffries, so their unstoppable backcourt of Francis and Marbury will combine for their career averages of almost 40 points, 14.5 assists and 7 turnovers per night.
Title or bust!
Last Year’s Record: 23-59, but that was because of the coach
This Year’s Record: 73-9, because of Isiah’s proven track record
* * *
by Adam Taxin
With this year’s Sixers, let me first start with the positives. First of all, the new marketing campaign (“It’s A Philly Thing!”) will be helpful for those out there who still advertently slip into calling the team the Syracuse Nationals (After all, fond memories still exist of Al “Insert Dangerfield Caddyshack Reference Here” Cervi, 43 years is not that long a time, and don’t tell me there aren’t some out there who still inadvertently refer to the “Baltimore Colts” or “Anaheim Angels.”) Second, there is a rumor that there will shortly be a kosher food stand opening up in the Wachovia Center, which is a nice gesture. If that’s not enough, there is consensus that the rabbit Hip-Hop, along with Swoop [an eagle] and the Phillie Phanatic, comprise one of the top mascot triads in all professional sports cities. Beyond that, Coach Maurice Cheeks certainly seems like a pleasant fellow.
On the court, however . . . Last year, the Sixers continued a slow downward spiral by going 38-44 and missing the playoffs by two games. Despite a serious need for reengineering of the team, the main off-season acquisition turned out to be Alan Henderson (sorry, Kevin Ollie). In the meantime, Allen Iverson — perhaps anticipating the inevitable — moved his family out of the Philadelphia area. Kyle Korver’s game remains thoroughly incomplete. The knees of the Sixers’ locker-room-karma version of Pat Burrell (a.k.a. Chris Webber) are a year older. Andre Iguodala’s game appears to remain stagnating in the “potential”/ “upside” category. Somehow, Billy King still has a job . . . You get the point.
Cleveland currently has the longest consecutive-seasons-without-a-championship streak among metropolitan regions. But, with these Cavs, who knows? It is safe to assume that the Sixers will provide the city of Philadelphia with its 94th straight professional sports season without a championship. (Yes, it would be nice if the spirit of the late Reggie White would somehow give the Eagles the ultimate lift in Season #92*, but it certainly does not appear that that will be the case . . . and the Flyers are often to a rather putrid start.)
But, sadly, the situation is far worse than the Sixers being not remotely championship-caliber. The Knicks are of course the trendy pick to be the East’s laughingstock. It wouldn’t shock me at all if the not-particlarly-hilarious-but-merely-decaying Sixers end up behind Isaiah & Co. in the standings.
By February, the only thing on the Philadelphia sports scene worth discussing will be Wing Bowl 15.**
Last Year’s Record: 38-44
This Year’s Record: 24-58
Adam Taxin is a fellow-Strath Haven High School-alum friend of Gil’s.
* White wore #92.
* * *
by Sam Richezza
It Sh!t and Die, Vince Carter! . . . No, really, I don’t hold a grudge against Vince. It was sweet watching Vince cough up a furball in the playoffs last year: million-dollar skills, five cent head. But I should really be thanking him. I no longer feel like I want to bludgeon someone after every Raptors game. I have renewed hope. What a difference a year makes! So far our dream of a perfect season is still alive! [Ed.: Well, that’s what I get for posting these previews after the first game of the season, which the Raptors lost. To Vince Carter and the Nets.]
Bryan Colangelo was brought in to change the environment and make the team a winner. He has a plan and is trying to make the Raptors into a playoff team. He will do it; he’s got the track record. Colangelo surmised that he was not going to be able to build a team with domestic U.S. players because he knows full well that NOBODY wants to play in Toronto (see Vince, Mike James, Tracy McGrady, and . . . oh hell, everyone that’s been here except for Mo Pete). So he does what no one else considered doing: go out and get foreign-born players who have NBA caliber skills — check that, basketball skills (we now know from Olympic and World Championships that these are more important) who don’t mind living in a “foreign” country. Hell, I have American friends who are afraid to come up for a two-day visit for fear of . . . of . . . well, I’m not sure why (no, no Gil, I’m not talking about you, really I’m not). [Ed.: I’m making plans to visit Sam’s company at the end of November. And catch Raptors/Celtics on Nov. 30 at Air Canada.]
Colangelo is trying to work some magic with the foreign contingent, adding Bargnani, Garbajosa, Nesterovic and Euro-vet Anthony Parker. He also solidified the long-term future of the franchise by making Chris “the Big Boshman” Bosh the cornerstone of the franchise with a huge contract extension. He convinced Bosh in part by replacing his stable pony and best buddy and lifelong pal Mike James with T.J. Ford another best buddy and lifelong pal, who was acquired from the Bucks for Charlie Villanueva’s toupé. Seriously, Ford gives him a point guard who will have the Raptors playing a fast-paced style, which Mike James was unwilling and unable to do; we spent all last year hearing about Mike James talk about himself in the third person. Really, the only one that could ever do that effectively was The Rock. And of course, Rickey Henderson. James was pure annoying. Good Luck and Good Riddance!
With Colangelo’s reputation, big-time players will eventually sign here, but they need to build credibility in the front office and start winning. Is the immediate strategy a huge gamble? Absolutely! But what other choice do the Raptors have? One can’t go much below the futility of last year. (Oops, forgot about the Knicks.) Well, I guess you can, but there is a sense of optimism about this team that wasn’t there since 2000.
Based on the pre-season games — which I know mean NOTHING — it appears the Raptors have some semblance of a bench. It also looks like Colangelo has reined in Sam Mitchell, who is a terrible coach.
So, once again: Thanks, Vince! This renewed sense of hope was all because of you! I can hear the chants now: “We’re number eight! We’re number eight!”
Last Year’s Record: 27-55
This Year’s Record: 43-39; eighth place. Mitchell gets fired after the Raps go out 4 straight in the first round to the Bulls.
* * *
by Tom Spurgeon
In 1981, writer Michael O’Donoghue returned to Saturday Night Live, the television show whose initial success could be credited to his fearless sense of humor as much as any cast member and twice as much as the show’s producer. Mr. Mike started his second tenure by calling for the show to be treated to a Viking Funeral, screaming at the cast members he inherited (one quit) and making them draw on walls, until, it’s been rumored, he returned and in a stroke of madman genius, yelled at them for drawing on the walls. A mix of legend and rumor, probably only half of it true, the record shows this second tenure was unsuccessful, marked in many ways by sketches involving Nazis and having Joe Piscopo as the go-to guy.
Don Nelson’s return to Golden State should be less entertaining and likely as successful as O’Donoghue’s second stint at SNL. Nelson may be the only Hall of Fame coach in NBA history whose reputation has diminished with every coaching job in a strange, magical way that hasn’t kept Nellie from being offered new jobs. At about midway through his run in Dallas, people stopped thinking his bizarre line-ups clever and groundbreaking and more just weird and unnecessary, and sports historians began to wonder if in a world where Nelson switched places with Doug Moe we might not be sitting around remembering with great fondness those halcyon Magic vs. Moncrief NBA Finals. The most unlikely success story here ends with a second round playoff loss.
Last Year’s Record: 34-48
This Year’s Record: 28-54
* * *
by Tom Spurgeon
Because they only play on two TV packages — a Los Angeles UHF station and a DirecTV package to which Gil is one of eleven North American subscribers — seeing the Magic Jeep-led Los Angeles Clippers in the playoffs took me all the way back to the late 1970s, when the only time you’d see the Kansas City Kings or Rick Barry’s Warriors was either in person or on playoff tape delay.
Elton Brand is like a player from that era, but not a Wes Unseld as much as a George McGinnis — a player capable of big numbers, but nobody you’d put down your sanding equipment to watch dominate a half-court possession. Brand has that odd thing going where he’s developed fundamentals that don’t seem to work outside of a comfort zone, which is an interesting achievement because fundamentals are supposed to work everywhere. Brand can be rattled by the pace of a game or by a moment of increased physicality. This puts the demands for snapping the team out of lax periods or piercing through the intensity of a close game late on the shoulders of 57-year-old Sam Cassell, with the occasional helping hand by Cuttino Mobley, the player that finally caused us to stop questioning player’s first names. This means the Clippers go as far as Shaun Livingston’s development allows them. Again.
Last Year’s Record: 47-35
This Year’s Record: 41-41
* * *
by Tom Spurgeon
I know we’re supposed to laugh at Kobe Bryant now, the fake team leader and desperate, over-talented, can’t-get-on-with-others. But for me, the comical figure on the Lakers at this point has to be Phil Jackson. Jackson looks like that tenured professor who has been locked into the same series of lectures for several years now, the overly friendly campus figure who has students to his house and tends to get a little too drunk and dances with the best-looking co-eds in the room before being put to bed by a very understanding housekeeper as the students barrel back to campus housing.
I liked this team to do exactly what it did last year, and like it to repeat that mid-level success this year, mostly because Ronny Turiaf has to be at least as good as Udonis Haslem if his heart doesn’t explode and Jim Jackson is an upgrade from Aaron McKie in the Laker’s patented Mitch Richmond Memorial “Holy Shit He’s Still In The League” roster spot. The Triangle offense made Bison “Purple Noon” Dele, Luc Longley and Bill Cartwright look like top-tier NBA players, which is great news for Andrew Bynum.
I sort of like the bench in general; if the team had more than two starters; I might guess 50 wins. And the proper answer to whether or not Kobe Bryant can score more than 81 points in a game this year is, “Who cares?” It wasn’t even Fake Award worthy, Kobe having lost the Espy to Jason McElwain. I think they should give an award to the kid who was guarding McElwain that night; I bet the teasing hasn’t stopped.
Last Year’s Record: 45-37
This Year’s Record: 48-34
* * *
by Gil Roth
Three off-seasons ago, Dallas owner Mark Cuban let Steve Nash leave for Phoenix as a free agent. Nash has gone on to win the MVP award back-to-back, while Cuban used his cash to sign a player who got benched in favor of DeSagana Diop. That said, the Mavs got to the NBA finals last season, while Phoenix made the conference finals both years. So, eh. They’re both good teams.
The Suns have some international flavor with a Canadian, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Brazilian, a Virgin Islander, and a drunken Mick to steal the jobs of lazy Americans. But the players I’m most intrigued by are James Jones and Jumaine Jones. Do their jerseys actually spell out their full names? I’ve gotta check out their games on League Pass, if my wife ever gets done watching that Barry Goldwater documentary she’s thrilling to.
Phoenix is hoping against hope that Amare Stoudamire comes back from the exact kind of knee surgery that pretty much leaves you a shadow of your former self. It ain’t gonna happen, and Stoudamire’s not smart enough to figure out how to play basketball yet, since he’s been relying on brute strength and speed throughout his career. The Suns are also keeping their fingers crossed that Leandro Barbosa doesn’t get a bad STD from the lifestyle of being a good-looking Brazilian millionaire in Land of the Hot Blondes.
If Barbosa does fall prey, the team will have to rely on Marcus Banks to back up Nash. I bring this up because his real name is Arthur Lemarcus Banks III. It’s no Bentley Fonzworth, but still.
Mark Cuban’s rationale for letting Nash walk was that the guy’s health would never hold up over the life of the six-year contract. He won’t fall apart this year, but the Suns would be happy if they can blow out enough teams to get Nash off the floor for 12 minutes or so per night. It won’t matter, ultimately, because they can’t stop anyone on defense, and will get exploited in the playoffs by a smart defensive coach (either Avery Johnson or Gregg Popovich).
Last Year’s Record: 54-28
This Year’s Record: 60-22
* * *
by Gil Roth
Last season, the Kings decided to move away from the talented passing/scoring squads that brought them out of the dregs in the league. The direction they chose? Pure batshit-craziness. They traded for Bonzi Wells before the year began and then picked up Ron Artest at mid-season. Somehow, it sparked a playoff run, and they played pretty well in a first-round loss to the Spurs, except for the first game of the series, when the Spurs nearly outscored them 2-to-1.
Bonzi left for less green pastures after his agent misjudged the market. Artest may’ve been steamed by this move, since he literally threatened to kill Bonzi if he left the Kings. I heard it’s all worked out, and Artest will just eat one of Bonzi’s kids.
Anyway, the Kings fired coach Rick Adelman in the off-season and brought in Eric “There Are Drunk Driving Laws in Sacramento?” Musselman, whose father was a well-respected coach. Musselman fils was a sub-mediocre coach in Golden State prior to this stop . . . just like Rick Adelman! He posted a .688 winning percentage in the CBA before Isiah destroyed that league, coaching the Florida Beach Dogs, who were originally the Rapid City Thrillers.
I mention this stuff because the Kings as presently constituted aren’t very interesting. Sure, they have crazy-man Artest to make things interesting, and sure, their two power forwards hate each other and got into a brawl during the preseason, but this team has just enough talent to be a 7 or 8 seed in the west, and that’s if there aren’t injuries. But they’ve got brittle players at the 1 (Bibby) and the 5 (Miller), so I’m betting they struggle to get to .500 this year.
The Kings were never going to win a championship during the Webber-Divac-Peja years, but they sure were fun to watch for a few seasons, starting with the 1998 squad that involved the greatest single-season makeover in NBA history. Now they’re just biding time for their latest arena-financing initiative to fall through so they can start making eyes at every open market in the country. (PLEASE move to Las Vegas!)
The most mind-blowing aspect of those Kings teams from the turn of the century is that the first player among them to get a championship ring was Jason Williams. Sometimes, I think we live on a square planet where everyone wears Superman costumes or something.
Last Year’s Record: 44-38
This Year’s Record: 40-42
* * *
by Tom Spurgeon
George Karl bears a strong resemblance to the Chicago actor Sherman Howard, who played Elaine’s boyfriend that lost a significant amount of weight on an episode of Seinfeld. Howard also played Lex Luthor on the syndicated Superboy mini-series that was a drinking game favorite at my college. Karl’s coaching career has all the hallmarks of a comic book bad guy: great first act, ego that passes for charisma, near-success, lengthy downfall, subsequent appearances of diminishing returns.
It makes sense that I’m not too hot on the Nuggets’ long-term success. Carmelo Anthony has admirably kept the fat guy everyone knows is lurking within him deeply buried; at the World Championships this summer he’s the one who looked the most like a Harlem Globetrotter among Washington Generals. He plays like Jamaal Wilkes, but runs more effectively than Wilkes ever did, or a vastly more productive Robert Horry without a lick of that player’s defensive smarts.
Like Sammo Hung, Carmelo is perfectly suited to playing the lead or playing a supporting role given the right big man or dominant two-guard; also like Sammo, he can do nothing to change his game to make things fit; they’re just going to have to match in casting. Making your game as big as you’d like it is a rare talent; and Karl has never proved himself one to recognize such an opportunity.
By the way, I would have lost a bet involving an act against my religion if you had told me Kenyon Martin would still be on the Nuggets roster at the start of the 2006-2007 season. Martin’s maybe the only player who would benefit by giving himself over to the Tao of George Karl, becoming a more valuable player by achieving less. I don’t see it happening, though. I don’t see any games past round one, either.
Last Year’s Record: 44-38
This Year’s Record: 44-38
* * *
by Craig Sirkin
Like Gil, I’m also an NBA fan because of Patrick Ewing, but I found him first. I grew up just outside of Georgetown where the Hoyas were the biggest thing going when I was a kid and Ewing was the biggest thing on those Hoya teams. Now I live in Denver and my old favorite Knicks no longer play the sport that I remember, I don’t know what they play, but it’s not basketball. As the “Denver Correspondent,” and since I go to lots of Nuggets games and celebrated in an email to Gil when Kiki acquired Kenyon Martin, I’ve been asked to tell you what’s coming in the near future for Les Nuggets.
To hear many analysts tell it before last season started (though they’ll probably deny it now), the Nuggets were a lock to win the Western Conference, the only thing they had to do was trade Nene and Earl Watson for a top flight shooting guard and they had it locked up. Oh, and they had to beat a couple of teams that aren’t too bad at this here game of basketball. Of course Nene blew out his knee three minutes into the season and there’s no way that anybody, with the possible exception of Isiah Thomas, is going to trade a top flight 2 for a guy who’s out for the season, especially one with career averages of 10.7 points and 6.2 rebounds per game.
The Nuggets new GM — no wait, they didn’t actually name a GM to replace Kiki Vandeweghe, just a VP of Basketball Operations — Mark Warkentien, a veteran of Jerry Tarkanian’s staff at UNLV, apparently just remembered that Nene was going to play a large role so he gave him a contract that also accomplishes the goal of ensuring that Nene will never be traded: 6 years for $60 million. This on the heels of the maximum contract that Kiki gave to Kenyon Martin in the sign and trade last year which I was a big fan of, before I realized that Keynon really wasn’t worth it, at least not after microfracture surgery. So now the Nuggets have their super scary front line from last year back, all $196 million give or take a couple million here or there in bonuses, and I’m scared for them.
The sad thing about that number is that Marcus Camby is earning the least out of those 3 guys, and he’s the only one that has had a good year for the Nuggets, in fact he’s had some great years for the Nuggets and should again, if he can stay healthy.
There’s a lot of positives. Andre Miller is a solid point guard. Earl Boykins is an amazing burst of energy for the team and great entertainment for the fans when he comes off the bench. The Nuggets picked up a former #1 draft pick during the offseason, unfortunately it was Joe Smith, another big who I guess will give them some more depth behind a bunch of guys who are a bit fragile. They just resigned DerMarr Johnson and his socks, who might actually be the 2 that they need if they give him the ball more. J.R. Smith was originally drafted by the Hornets who thought that he was going to be a big 2, maybe he’ll develop into that player with the Nuggets.
The biggest plus of all, is that a rapidly maturing (and soon to be father) Carmelo Anthony was the best player on the US National Team in Japan. You’ll remember that in the race to resign the three big dogs from the 2003 draft, only he resigned for five years, commenting after Dwayne Wade and LeBron James signed shorter deals; a huge thank you from a player who has had some shaky times on and off court as he’s grown up to the team and the city that has supported him. In all likelihood he’ll increase his scoring again, possibly over 30 points per game, he’ll continue to hit clutch shots and he’ll continue to be the major determining factor of whether this team wins or loses. Unfortunately, having a small forward who can drive at will and shoot very well works a lot better when there isn’t a deep option to keep the defense honest.
Since the Nuggets still don’t have that deep threat, Carmelo will still get beat up as he tries to drive against the top teams in the west, especially in the playoffs. The Nuggets will once again finish the season having won the Northwest Division and losing in the first round of the playoffs.
* * *
by Gil Roth
It really was only two seasons ago that the T-Wolves finally broke through to get out of the first round of the playoffs, right? Only two seasons ago that, but for a Sam Cassell hip injury, they could’ve gotten past LA for a trip to the finals? It’s hard to believe how quickly a team can collapse. Minnesota hasn’t sniffed at the playoffs since that run, and they don’t look like they’re going to this season.
The team has an incredibly mismatched bunch of players, loaded with me-first scorers and a superstar who’d be best served deferring to a top talent. Unfortunately, on this team the next best talents are Ricky Davis and Mike James, so it looks like Kevin Garnett is going to have to continue to fail to deliver in the clutch. Fun Police, my ass.
Because of the disastrous decision to try to circumvent the salary cap in signing Joe Smith, the T-Wolves lost draft picks in something like 4 out of 5 seasons. Combined with Garnett’s monstrously huge contract, Minnesota has been unable to put together a team from season to season. They have to take risks on guys like Sprewell and Cassell, and when the talent evaluator is Kevin McHale, there’s a strong likelihood of failure. Especially when he keeps trying to get athletic bigs who duplicate a lot of Garnett’s talents: Joe Smith? Eddie Griffin? Loren Woods? Maybe they’ve just been trying to come up with a decent replacement for when they finally give up and trade Garnett, which should occur sometime this season.
Speaking of taking risks: Vin Baker is still in the league? And he’s on the Timberwolves? I hate to think of someone as being washed up when he’s 10 months younger than I am, but that guy’s a few years away from pushing a broom in a high school.
The best news about the T-Wolves this season is that they finally got a first-round draft pick! They used it on Randy Foye, a Villanovan who I only mention because he has the same medical condition that my wife has: situs inversus totalis! This means that his heart is on the right side of his chest, instead of the left. I don’t have much to add to this, but I thought it was worth mentioning.
Last Year’s Record: 33-49
This Year’s Record: 28-54
* * *
by Gil Roth
When her new album came out, Fiona Apple did the standard run through the music press. One magazine ran a cover feature on her that read, “Fiona Apple: Now with 85% less crazy!”
As it turned out, Extraordinary Machine was actually a pretty good album. I bought it on a whim in a used record store, and was pleasantly surprised from the first quirky track on.
What does this have to do with the Trailblazers? Well, they tried to reach “now with 85% less crazy” status this offseason, dumping most of their “characters” in order to regain some stature with the rabidly devoted fan base that finally gave up on them in the last few years.
Unfortunately, the fans will have little to come back for. Unlike Fiona Apple’s record, this year’s Blazers have a chance at matching the team’s worst record ever, after the 2005-2006 team only managed to match second-worst status.
The team engineered a sequence of draft-night trades that led it to pick the wrong player at #2 (LaMarcus Aldridge), who will be nowhere near as good as the #4 pick, which Blazers traded away. It looks like the team’s trying to get “that Northwest vibe” by drafting Brandon Roy (Washington), trading for Dan Dickau (Gonzaga), and bringing in Ime Udoka (Portland State). Then the team turned around and failed to draft the one northwest player who actually would have gotten the fans excited: Adam Morrison of Gonzaga. I’m not saying Morrison’s going to be All That as a pro, but he was a no-brainer for a team as community relations-deficient as the Blazers.
Instead, to reward Portland’s faith in him, Aldridge wrecked his shoulder and will miss the beginning of the season.
Also, while the team now has 85% less crazy, two of their biggest maniacs remain: Darius Miles and Zach Randolph, both of whom have near-untradable contracts and awful attitudes. They’ll get their own numbers, spend time on the injured list because they don’t work on their conditioning, and poison the atmosphere for the new players.
Fortunately, we still have the Cincinnati Bengals to recreate the Jailblazers of old.
Last Year’s Record: 21-61
This Year’s Record: 18-64
* * *
by Craig Sirkin
The Sonics look like they should be substandard/okay this year, but they’re going to be boring. There’s not too much to say about them. First off, there’s an unfortunate thing about Ray Allen (and Allan Houston and others before him); Ray Allen is a great player and a great shooter, but he hasn’t done anything exciting since his scene with Chasey Lain and Jill Kelly back in He Got Game. With the exception of a scant few shooters, it’s impossible to make hitting shots from 20 or 30 feet out with the visual impact of a Dwayne Wade cutting through the lane.
They’ve added a few good young players over the past few years, Luke Ridnour who is a solid scoring point, Nick Collison who may become a solid forward like he was at Kansas. Chris Wilcox used to be an exciting guy to watch, but then he left Maryland and spent a few years on the Clippers (pre body snatching of Donald Sterling) losing his
will to live.
The last thing about this Sonics team is that there’s a good chance that they’re going to be leaving Seattle after this season. The new owners, from Oaklahoma City which still seems to claim half ownership of the Hornets, have said that they’ll move the team if they don’t get a commitment for a new arena. Let’s put that all together: a 30-win team, boring stars, boring role players and a team heading out of town. Oh yeah, sounds like a blast.
Last Year’s Record: 35-47
This Year’s Record: 30-52
* * *
by Craig Sirkin
Looking to recapture the success of the 2004-2005 Fightin Illini, the Jazz reunited guards Dee Brown and Deron Williams and forward Roger Powell by drafting Brown and Powell this past offseason. The last team to try this strategy was the Washington Wizards a few seasons ago, when they accumulated all of Maryland’s national championship team except Chris Wilcox. Maybe it’ll work out better for Utah, since these guys are still hungry for a championship.
The Jazz had an off year in 2004-2005, but bounced back last season as Andrei “AK-47” Kirilenko returned to health — having missed half the previous season — and finished with a .500 record. The Jazz have a decent starting lineup, and have a good backup point guard in Derek Fisher plus a bit of a wild card in Dee Brown, whose speed and shooting may help him overcome is lack of stature, but they have little depth at any other position.
This year the Jazz will push the Nuggets for the division title, which will be very important since in all likelihood only one team is going to the playoffs from the Northwest . . . unless of course Ron Artest derails the Kings. But what are the odds of that happening? 50-50? Unfortunately, even with Kirilenko challenging Camby for the league lead in blocks, they don’t play a whole lot of team defense and can’t hope to outscore the quality teams that can play a balanced game.
Last Year’s Record: 41-41
This Year’s Record: 41-41
* * *
Enough with the basketball! Get me back to Virtual Memories!
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