Introduction
I’m told that the Phoenix Suns are the odds maker’s second pick behind the Mavericks to win the NBA Championship. The Spurs are third. Obviously the Western Conference merely has to show up and they’ll be handed the trophy by either Detroit or Miami.
But I don’t care who wins the Championship. Americans are far too focused on trophies. What you really want is game-by-game excitement, and for that, Phoenix puts all the flourish on the floor. Yes, they don’t play defense, they are rebound-challenged, but they are the Brazil of World Cup Soccer — uptempo, cool choreography, sweet no-look passes, fearless to fly into the paint.
And Steve Nash: honestly, is he not the best story in professional sports? If he were a Knick, he’d be a god. The guy barely played basketball until he left Canada for the United State to attend college, and he has gotten better every year since. No one moves better on the court with or without the ball. No player makes his team better in any professional sport. No other professional athlete dominates the game so improbably.
–Thane Rosenbaum
SECOND ROUND
WESTERN CONFERENCE
#2 Phoenix / #3 Spurs
Craig: The Spurs win in 6 at their grind-it-out pace, no matter how much Nash tries to run.
Gil: CW sez the winner of this series is taking the championship. I’m inclined to agree, if only because I think the Spurs are going to take it. This one’s going 7, and the Spurs will come out on top.
#5 Jazz / #8 Warriors
Craig: The Jazz are too much defensively for the Warriors and will punish Golden State for trying to play small against them. Jazz in 5.
Gil: Jerry Sloan is too smart to get too smart against Don Nelson. His players are athletic, they know how to find each other for good shots, and his point guard is big enough to body-up against Baron Davis. Stephon Jackson will get arrested trying to get lap dances in Salt Lake on a Sunday. Jazz in 6.
EASTERN CONFERENCE
#1 Pistons / #4 Bulls
Craig: The Pistons escape a bruising battle against the Bulls in 7.
Gil: I’m cheating by writing this after game 1 on Saturday night, but my basketball-friends know that I thought this is a bad matchup for the Bulls. Their guards are too small, and Deng’s first-round heroics won’t happen against Tayshaun Prince. Still, the Pistons have Flip Saunders coaching them, so that’ll help the hard-nosed Bulls get some wins. Pistons in 6.
#2 Cavaliers / #6 Nets
Craig: The Cavs are a great match against the Nets. Cavs in 5.
Gil: If the Cavs couldn’t demolish a crippled Wizards team in at least one game in the first round, then they’re not as good as people think. The Nets will have 3 of the top 4 players on the floor, and that’s going to make the difference. Nets in 6.
FIRST ROUND
WESTERN CONFERENCE
#1 Mavericks / #8 Warriors
Boaz: Sorry! No #16’s have ever beaten a 1 in the first round of the tournament, especially when they come from the Big Sun conference — unless they have a 56-year-old African center who speaks 17 languages or Jeff Van Gundy is on the sideline saying, “Dammit, Allan, we’re running out of time”! To make it challenging, Dallas will start their JV in game 4. Dallas sweeps.
Craig: The dream ends early. Mavs in 5.
Gil: More competitive than anyone expects, because Warriors coach Don Nelson knows Nowitzki’s game inside-out. By which I mean Mavs in 5.
Tom: Mark Cuban’s bunch has the looks bad on paper feel the Indianapolis Colts did before their recent title run; I’d go with Baron Davis’ beard in the upset if they had anyone else as coach — David Greene, even. Mavs in 5.
#2 Suns / #7 Lakers
Boaz: Kobe rings the Suns’ Bell for about 40 per (we’ll surely see highlights of Bernard King in 1984). Smush gets smushed by the Phoenix hair cut. Suns in 5.
Craig: This should be a fun series, but not as fun as last year, since the Suns will cruise. Kobe will light it up, at least until Raja Bell goes all Cobra Kai on him. Suns in 4.
Gil: Phil Jackson is the best playoff-prep coach ever, so I expect LA to pull a couple of games. Also, Kobe will break Jordan’s playoff scoring record of 63, but his team will lose that game 108-92. Suns in 6.
Tom: The apple may not fall far from the tree, but one’s an apple, and one’s a tree: the Jimmy Buss/Mitch Kupchak Lakers win two. Maybe. Suns in 6.
#3 Spurs / #6 Nuggets
Boaz: What would you rather drive: a Maserati or a Honda? That’s easy. But what gets better gas mileage? Spurs in 6.
Craig: Wednesday’s win notwithstanding, I’m sad to say this one turns out like the last 2 times they’ve played each other in the playoffs. Spurs make it look easy as usual in 5, but if there is another upset hiding in the weeds, it’ll be this series.
Gil: Allen Iverson’s posse will try to kill Bruce Bowen by the end of this series. Mark my words. Spurs in 5.
Tom: The Spurs’ weak spot is on the top of Manu Ginobili’s rapidly skin-boasting head, which is great if you’re a sports columnist and crappy if you’re on the Nuggets, helmed by classic playoff underachiever George Karl. Spurs in 5.
#4 Rockets / #5 Jazz
Boaz: Yao vs. Kirikino! China vs. Russia! Sounds like the final episodes of season 6 on 24! Jeff VG in the huddle: “Dammit, T-Mac, we are running out of time!” Polygamists in 7.
Craig: T-Mac and Yao will make it out of the first round, albeit battered and bruised. The Jazz will make Van Gundy think he’s back in 1998. Rockets in 6.
Gil: This is the series I’d like to watch, but probably won’t manage to catch a minute of. I think the Jazz have more interesting offensive weapons, good enough defense, and enough trust from their coach to flat-out outscore the Rockets a bunch of times. Jazzes in 7.
Tom: The obvious upset pick in the first round is New Jersey, but since that never happens I’m going with the Rockets — they’ve still screwed up Yao Ming, but McGrady is playing better than ever and I don’t think Kirilenko is healthy enough to compensate for Utah’s bizarrely bad inside play this year. Rockets in 6.
EASTERN CONFERENCE
#1 Pistons / #8 Magic
Boaz: Repeating my Mavs/Warriors call: Sorry! No #16’s have ever beaten a 1 in the first round of the tournament, especially when they come from the Big Sun conference — unless they have a 56-year-old African center who speaks 17 languages or Jeff Van Gundy is on the sideline saying, “Dammit, Allan, we’re running out of time”! Side note: Humanitarian of the year, Rasheed Wallace, will offer to put a band-aid on Dwight Howard’s lip, after he cuts it on the rim during warm-ups. Pistons sweep.
Craig: Hurry back Darko, Pistons fans are looking forward to seeing you play. Pistons in 4.
Gil: Trying to keep up with Chauncey Billups — who pulls off the rare trifecta of being bigger, quicker and a better shooter than his defender — Jameer Nelson may actually defecate in his pants at some point during this series. Pistons in 3, even though they need 4 to win.
Tom: The last hurrah for Grant Hill, the second best player to Bo Jackson in terms of outright cripples playing a professional sport (unless mental instability counts, in which case hello, Gilbert Arenas!) — Hill may wonder what could have been, but not being injured until after he signed the big contract means he’ll wonder this sitting around his mansion wearing solid gold underpants. Pistons in 5.
#2 Cavaliers / #7 Wizards
Boaz: This time Lebron taunts Brendan Haywood during free-throws. Cavs in 4 (3 if euthanasia is allowed in the district these days).
Craig: Unfortunately the Zero in Agent Zero represents post-season minutes and the Zards’ chances without Arenas. Cavs in 5.
Gil: The Wizards don’t deserve to end up in this boat, with all two of their three horses gone for the playoffs, but as Flava Flav sez, “That’s the way the ball bounces, G!” However, the Cavs are so limited that the Wiz will actually steal a game and make a second one close. LeBronjamins in 5.
Tom: I’m envisioning a bad first round for Cleveland — seeing as the Wiz is playing a roster so depleted I’m sure 1,800 sportswriters are going to make a Washington Generals joke, I’m not sure the LeBrons will be up for every game. Cavs in 6.
#3 Raptors / #6 Nets
Boaz: Because of the exchange rate, Raps will actually need to win 6 to move on. Vinsanity sweeps the 9,000 fans in the Meadowlands, as they cheer on VC in his last year in a NJ jersey. NJ in 6.
Craig: Air Canada returns to rule his eponymous roost. The Nets run too and Kidd loves to play at this pace. Nets upset in 6.
Gil: The Raps had a great season, but I’m a Nets fan and I actually think my Swamp Dragons have a chance to make it to the conference finals. I’m banking on the Raps being too inexperienced in playoff hoops. Oh, and look for Vince to crap the bed royally in at least two games. Nets in 7.
Tom: Chris Bosh looked overmatched more than any other player during last year’s international competition, and you have to like New Jersey’s personnel advantages, but I dislike liking this Nets team play to such a degree that I’m throwing my psychic weight behind the Raptors just in case it helps even a tiny, tiny bit. Raptors in 7.
#4 Heat vs. #5 Bulls
Boaz: An irate Scott Skiles dons a headband and uniform at halftime of game one and shuts down Shaq in the post. Unfortunately, Wade gets more love from the refs than Charlton Heston at an NRA show. Heat in 6.
Craig: This is why they got Ben Wallace, right? Bulls upset in 7 in a series that will make the UFC proud.
Gil: The Bulls give the Heat fits, but I’d have a lot more confidence in them if they’d made a trade for Gasol. I think they’ll let Shaq do his damage and keep running Dwyane Wade into picks until his shoulder falls off. The Heat will point fingers and blame the refs, injuries, and Stan Van Gundy. Bulls in 6.
Tom: I was right about Ben Wallace basically not being worth the cash after watching him get outplayed in last year’s playoffs by the Cavaliers’ Justin Guarini, but Luol Deng is the league’s best player that doesn’t really know what’s he’s doing, maybe in NBA history — the Heat would blow them out anyway as the Bulls play so unevenly, but, like 1970’s Muhammad Ali, the Heat don’t have a blowing out gear. Heat in 7.
BONUS PREDICTION: “Straight Outta Gaza”
Mitch: Here’s how it all plays out: Golden State announces a new free agent pickup to a series of 10-day contracts. “R. Black-Man” wears the number zero, plays the point and shoots the lights out while screaming, “Hibachi!” after every three. After torching Dallas for an average of 44 points, 6 assists and 6 rebounds, GS takes the series to 7 games. Before the final game, Nellie slips and refers to “Black-Man” as “Gilbert,” causing Eddie Jordan to throw a television set off the scorer’s table in what should be the final game 4 of his series of being swept by the Cavs. But the TV hits Lebron, breaking his femur and the Wizards go on a run, making the second round.
“Black-Man” goes for 67 points in the 7th game of Mavs/Warriors, Dirk retreats to listening to the Baywatch soundtrack on the bench via iPod, and the Warriors later announce that it has cut “Black-man” because Nellie wants to “go large” in the next round.
The Wiz are rejoined by Gilbert Arenas and Caron Butler in the second round and make the finals, where they lose to Golden State in seven games. And Gilbert holds a press conference where he blames Don Imus for the loss. I have spoken.
CONTRIBUTORS
Mitch Prothero is a journalist who sent in his prediction from the Gaza Strip.
Thane Rosenbaum is the author of a number of books, and is also a contributor to the Fordham Law Forum on Law, Culture and Society blog. No, seriously. He’s all respectable, but he’s still willing to write a for zhlub like me every so often.
Boaz Roth is my brother, a teacher at Thomas Jefferson School in St. Louis, and a big fan of 24.
Craig Sirkin is the unstoppable force behind traces, which is one of them fancypants new stripped-down blogs.
Tom Spurgeon is the unstoppable force behind comicsreporter.com.
Jeez, how bad were the Heat?