They call ’em “Mocktails” for a reason

As someone who has devotedly sought out high-end versions of two out of the three components of his gin & tonics (I suppose I could buy a lime orchard someday), I’m horrified by the idea of “the perfect ‘non-alcoholic gin & tonic.'” I also believe that decaf coffee is, to quote Superbad, like slapping God in the face.