Virtual Memories Show 676:
Benoit Denizet-Lewis
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“We choose our identities based on what’s available, and those choices are not just about what is true for ourselves. We take on identities because we need a purpose.”
Can people change? How continuous is identity? With YOU’VE CHANGED: The Promise and Price of Self-Transformation (William Morrow), Benoit Denizet-Lewis explores the concepts of personal change and change-in-the-world, the ways we find identities and community, and the peril of changing into our parents (haha). We talk about how we define change and transformation, what happens when we think we’ve changed but the people in our lives don’t notice any difference, how his husband feared that he would change too much in the writing of the book, and how the American narrative of change equals “overcoming one’s problems.” We get into how he made his own story of change and addiction part of the book (while guarding his privacy), whether change involves finding a core self or something new, whether redemption is possible for people who committed heinous crimes, what happened the time he got scientifically tested about his sexual preferences, and the chapter he wishes he could’ve included in the book. We also discuss who he’s reading, whether the therapy that works for him now would have helped when he was younger, how one can prioritize one’s own happiness while the world is (let’s say) ending, his hallucinations in Esalen, and a lot more. Give it a listen! And go read YOU’VE CHANGED: The Promise and Price of Self-Transformation!
“The core question that comes up throughout the reporting for this book is: What changes and what stays the same?”
“We change in community; we need buy-in from other people. Most profound changes need other people to validate them.”
“A lot of the change we experience is unintentional and we don’t notice it happening.”
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“To not be gentle with myself is like booing a sunrise.”
Enjoy the conversation! Then check out the archives for more great episodes!
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About our Guest
Benoit Denizet-Lewis is an associate professor at Emerson College and a longtime contributing writer for The New York Times Magazine. He has written three previous books, including America Anonymous and the New York Times bestseller Travels With Casey. A New America Fellow and NEH Public Scholar, he divides his time between Boston and Prague.
Follow Benoit on Instagram and Bluesky.
Credits: This episode’s music is Fella by Hal Mayforth, used with permission from the artist. The conversation was recorded at a NYC hotel on a pair of Blue enCORE 200 microphones feeding into a Zoom PodTrak P4 digital recorder & interface. I recorded the intro and outro on a Heil PR-40 Dynamic Studio Recording Microphone feeding into a Zoom PodTrak P4. All processing and editing done in Adobe Audition CC. B/W photo of Benoit by someone else; double-selfie by me. It’s on my instagram.